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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have not made a Christmas Wish List in years. I haven't celebrated Christmas in years. It isn't that I hate the holiday, I just hate the way that I feel around this time of year. I have had no reason to celebrate for a very long time and I have been alone for a very long time. It is easier to push it to the back of my mind and just treat it like another day, rather than admit that I am lonely. But this year, I have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate, still I find myself a bit melancholy still.
Wish one - a heavy bag and boxing gloves. I am disabled in just about every other way, but I can still use my upper body.
Wish two - tangible, physical affection from my partner. I miss it and crave it.
Wish three - Answers. For both myself and for my partner regarding our health. I pray for forward momentum and progress, instead of this infernal stagnation that we have been treading water in.
Wish four - I pray for fidelity, loyalty and honest love for all of those that do not have it. I see brothers mistreating their partners, being dishonest and being disloyal. It breaks my heart. I will abide by the rules and I will keep my mouth shut, but I will pray relentlessly for their hearts to be touched by the Lord and for them to become "real men" in the eyes of the maker.

I am not big on public opinion. I despise liars and cheats.

Lord forgive them, fore they know not what they do.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Silent Contemplation

The time of year for my annual withdrawal from sanity has begun. I don't know what it is about this time of year that makes me crazy, literally, but it seems to be happening more and more. Take today for instance, I have been battling the beast of depression all damn day, barely keeping it at bay. Is it sad that I have to make sure I leave the house before the really bad thoughts start?  Those dark, seductive "Let's put an end to the suffering" kind of thoughts. I have never wanted a violent end, but there is something so alluring about the sig saur .40 caliber sitting on the counter that keeps drawing my minds attention. I have to leave so I have an ounce of a chance at ignoring those thoughts. It really doesn't matter though, whether or not I am physically in the house, because my mind is there...seeing me picking up the pistol, caressing the smooth barrel like a new lover. Feeling the weight of the loaded magazine in my hand, the way the grip slides willing and comfortably into my waiting palm...
Yes, these thoughts have seduced me all day, even now, they are invading my minds space while I write this. I have tried every way I know to keep the wolf at bay and it has been relentless, not taking the bait and leaving me be.
As the day has worn on, I can feel my resolve strengthening, but it is not solidified yet. I had an invite to go meet him for a drink...oh a drink, what a lovely thought...though I know what happened the last time I was not "right" in the head and lost it in public...he did not receive it so well.

and so it goes, and so it goes...

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Happiness lost...

When did happiness get lost? Do you remember the exact moment that it slipped away? I can not recall when it went, but I know that it is gone. I am miserable and have no one but myself to blame. I have let the insecure, selfish actions of others dictate my existence. When did I become less of who I am and more of who I am not nor wish to ever be? I am not weak, I am not meager, I am not spiteful or mean, I am not jealous nor possessive...however neurotic I may be, lol. So how in the world do I get back to me and still live in this life that I have chosen? Stay tuned, maybe I will figure it out.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Absolutes and Ultimatums...

It has been a month since my last post. A month of ups and down and uncertainties, a month filled with fear and the unknown, and a month of relief. He went in for his first surgery on his neck and back. For the first time he was afraid of the outcome. As he put it, "I've been blown up, shot at and stared hell in the face, but nothing compares to this, not knowing how I'll come out on the other side or if I will at all." These were words he spoke to me as tears ran down both of our cheeks and we held each other, not wanting to speak of the possible outcome, but forced to acknowledge it anyway.
This man that I love, the one that I rarely see anymore, reached out and squeezed my hand as he was getting wheeled away to surgery. "See you soon", I whispered and kissed him goodbye, praying that this would not be the last time I saw him, that I would not be going back to our home alone.
Success!! The surgery went well and he was released later that day. The next week was filled with the usual, cranky and being a prick because he was in pain, but that I'm used to..so easy to take in stride. He stopped drinking because of the medication and was diligently trying to quit smoking, to the point that he no longer smokes inside, yay!!! So many small victories to celebrate :) and he could feel his arms and his hands again, something that he hasn't been able to do in 2 years. It was everything we had hoped for and more. He even noticed a change in the physical abilities of his body, that little twinkle returning to his eye and the flirtiness in his actions. Wow, is this really happening? Is it too good to be true? I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but it's almost hard not too.
Then the fear sets in again...we haven't had a physical relationship for a very long time, will this change our life, our connection? Will it make my fears about infidelity worse, because now I know he is physically capable of it? Too many questions and that little 'IF' is a damn foreboding word that can drive you to drink if you let it.
Then, without warning, he showed up...who you may ask? Why him, I tell you, the man that I love, he showed up out of no where. He was caring and compassionate, he was affectionate and fun to be around, he was home again, after having been gone for so long. I was so happy to have him back, especially since my disabilities have gone into overdrive and it is I that need the caregiver for a change. Things were absolutely perfect again for the last couple of weeks. I was so happy...
And then, the walls came crashing down yet again. I had been blinded by my happiness, even though the signs were there, I chose to ignore them and got hit square between the eyes...
The drinking had steadily progressed again, since he stopped taking the pain meds. It is in moderation, but is still increasing at a rate that is more a "need" than just a "man that tastes good, I think I'll  have another" type of thing. He is able to drive again, so has no regulation by me on his movements...so he went out, around town and did what he used to do, stopped by and had a couple beers to reconnect with everyone. I could tell when he got home, the words were already slurring. Yet, I didn't say anything. We sat on the deck and he had 2 more. Yep, "here we go again" I kept thinking to myself. He is repeating himself, retelling things over and over...yep, here we go. His loving caresses have turned into the grabby man again, he is texting and chatting it up again..I actually caught him doing it without even trying. Then I get the "I know the flirting bothers you, but you're the one I want, you're the one I come home to...You are my everything, you know that, don't you? I hope you know that." And the lies have started again. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do...the lies would be easier to swallow without such a bitter aftertaste.

He fixed dinner, kept visiting me in the office...kissing on my neck, playing with the dogs..He's hiding again, hiding in plain sight and feeling guilty because I caught him (though these are things that he will never admit too)...then I did it, I opened my mouth (because in the past month, I've been able to talk to him without fearing the blow-up) and told him jokingly, "Ya know, I think I liked it when you were drinking less." and that was it. That set the whole raging roller coaster into motion yet again. He blew up at me and stomped out of the room..saying "well pardon me for having a few beers and some milks, maybe if I crash into a damn building then everyone will be happy." "Just leave me alone, it's obvious that you have a problem with me." All this followed by the glares and the hateful tones. So I tried to explain it to him, that I wasn't chastising him, nor judging him. I was happy he wasn't drinking as much because that meant he wasn't in pain like he used to be. I know that he smokes more when he drinks and it was counterproductive to the progress he had made. These pleas got ignored and he fell asleep on the couch...Yep, here we go again.

As he went outside for his last cigarette, before ignoring me and going to bed, I approached the subject one last time. "Babe, your drinking used to be a barometer of how you were doing, how much pain you were in or how bad the memories / dreams / flashbacks were. I could gauge how you were doing that way, since you rarely talk to me about it when you are closed off and hurting. But since the surgery, you evened out. And yes, to tell the truth, I liked it when you drank less. To me, that meant you were in less pain, that you were suffering less. It meant you were happier than you've been in a long time and you were "here", not just physically, but all of you. I missed you terribly and you were finally here. I was so happy and the house was calm again. So yes, when I noticed the drinking increase, I knew it was slipping away. I hoped saying something would keep you here, but now I know I was wrong." And with that, I kissed him on the temple, told him I loved him and walked back inside.
He proceeded to go to bed without speaking to me, something he hasn't done in this past month. I walked in later and kissed his head, rubbed his side and told him "sleep well, I love you" and walked out of the room.

Then, in the silent darkness of the night, I stepped out on the back porch and lost it. I cried like I had just lost my best friend without warning. The sobs shook my body, feeling the pain of the loss down to my very core. I knew it was coming, I saw the signs, but I didn't acknowledge them...and this is what was left. As I bawled my eyes out to my mom. Everything was so perfect, we were so happy and just like that, it was gone again.

I miss him. I want him back. I want our life back....

I miss him....

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Delicious Decadence

I began writing about delicious decadence and all the joys of the last few days: the smooth creamy texture of the butter pecan ice cream; the sweet, crisp crunch of the maraschino cherries; and last night, the cool breeze across my naked skin, the soft texture of the sheep skin blanket creating a warm tomb of solidarity that was ensconced with vivid dreams of my deepest fears. While I spent several days in contented bliss, I read the words of a fellow "caretaker" and to my chagrin, all was lost in the dreams. Her words echoed my own pain and that of many others. My temporary reality was rocked again by the painful truth, the loneliness, the emptiness that we all feel. To be together, yet utterly alone. I allowed myself to slip into self-pity, feeling sorry for myself and the situation in which I find myself.
I am lonely. Too long has it been since I have felt the tender caress of my lover. To feel soft kisses, to hear I am beautiful. It has been too long since I have felt like a woman, since I have been made love to. I miss it. I miss the feeling of a tender touch, of a candlelit dance locked away in the security of our home, our private moments that are just for us. I miss him. My greatest fear  is that our time will be cut short or worse yet, he will be better physically and forget me, allowing the restless spirit to take over and run again.
Today, I felt his eyes on me and there was a genuine contentment in them. He was watching me as I worked in the treeline, sitting there, smiling. It is times like these that I lock onto and hold with a ferocity very few understand. These are the moments that keep me going when things get really bad.
So, I am contented once again, despite the pain of my fellow suffers. I refuse to be stuck in self pity. I understand pain, I understand grieving, I understand loneliness. I have lived a thousand lives alone and am ok by myself. I can separate myself from the situation and from him. I will survive, with or without him. But I will never stray, no matter how lonely it gets. Like the lone wolf, I mate for life and I will stand alone forever more.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

How much can I stand?

How much more am I willing to stand? How many more lies, deceptions and hidden secrets am I willing to accept as part of a condition? When does it become too much?

Love, real love, endures. It stands the test of time, human faults and everything in between. It is not jealous, it is not possessive. It is patient, it is kind, it is strong and unyielding.

I am learning that lesson, every single day, every moment. I am changing, I am going through a metamorphosis. I have never felt like an adult, always felt like a child trapped inside an aging body. Though my soul was much older than my physical being, my heart was innocent and child like. Perhaps because of the things I endured as a child, I was locked in that state of mind. But I find myself blossoming and growing, truly finding out what the meaning of love and commitment really are.

I have transcended the levels he is at, been there done that so to speak. It is not time to be demanding, it is not time to be possessive or jealous. It is within me to withstand the non-sensical motions of past traumas to lead to a better future.

So, to answer my own question...How much more am I willing to or able to stand?

As much as it takes.

Roller Coaster Ride...

This roller coaster ride of emotions is driving me crazy. I am angry tonight, for no particular reason at all. Perhaps it is because my hands hurt from using the lotion I do to give him his massages to help him sleep. Perhaps it is from the comment of "Well, my everything hurts all the time so I don't have any sympathy for you". Well excuse the hell out of me while I torture myself to help you find even one iota of comfort!

I am not all about the martyrdom here. I care deeply for this man, I hate to see him in pain, I choose to do what I can to make it better even if it is only temporary. But damn it, enough is frickin enough! I understand you are in pain, I get it, I live with my own injuries every single day. I fight against it to get out of bed some days. And I push it aside to take care of you. There are days when I can't and by some miracle, you aren't a huge prick and make me feel better. I love you dearly for that, because I empathize with what you have to deal with.

I don't know if the pressure, the pain, the uncertainty of it all has got you so wrapped up that you can't see past your own circumstances? If that is the case, I can understand that. I get the PTSD, I get it baby, I really do. More than you know. All the books I read, all the research that I do, it isn't so I can understand what you went through. There is no way in the world I could even come close to fathoming what you have experienced. I am just trying to understand the disorder, beyond my own experience.

Thank you for opening up to me, for baring your tormented soul to show me bits and pieces of what you lived through. Thank you for trusting me enough to lean on me. When you curled up next to me and fell asleep with your head on my shoulder, I felt you here again. You weren't gone in your mind, you were here. You let me be strong for you while you grieved. Much more so than last year. Time is a healer of all wounds, it is a builder of bridges, of trust and of love. I am not your architect, I am your engineer. You show me the path that will help you achieve what you need and I will do what I can to make it so.

The roller coaster is part of the ride, and for now, my little rant is over.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Missing You...

Dear Love,

I missed you today, I missed you yesterday. I have missed you everyday since you went away. My heart breaks silently wishing for your return. I don't know where you went or why you stay so far away, I only pray for your return. It is so lonely here, so bland. Life lacks color and vibrancy without your presence. I hold you in my heart, the way I remember you, full of life, full of love for me, where I never doubted you or our future. That is all I have to hold onto. Everything is so uncertain, so confusing, so sad. I am tired, am literally exhausted with this torment that I call life. It is time for a change, a change only I can make. I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye to what I had hoped for, for what I imagined and got carried away with in my mind. I have to grab hold tightly to the reality and make the best of what I have been given. Perhaps, that is a better future anyway, something real, something genuine, something tangible..not a fairytale that can never come true.

So, my dear love, I bid you a final aideu, tip my hat and walk away. I fair thee well.

Always,
My Heart

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Knowledge is Power

It is often said that knowledge is power, the more you know the better you are. I am a firm believer in this concept and have pursued it adamantly since I was a child. According to my mother, I would spend my summers frantically studying for the next grade afraid that I wouldn't know anything about the grade I was going into. I have always been an advocate for learning, for expanding my mind, my base, my character. And when the subject is foreign to me, I throw myself into research, to better equip myself against the greater unknown. This is my driving force, it is an innate part of my being. Ask anyone and they will tell you, most undoubtedly, how terribly annoying my search for knowledge and my tireless questions and analysis will drive most sane people to the brink.

Unfortunately, during my quests, I may lose site of my original objective and make the focus of my research into a project instead of a person. That is where I currently find myself. I fear that I am turning you into a project, something that needs to be solved or fixed. I have to remind myself that you are a person, no matter how broken or lost you may be, or I may be for that matter, we are not projects. I am not here to fix you. I am here to love you, to support you and stand by your side through it all.

I delve into knowledge to better understand your disorder, which has given me greater understanding of my own. It is allowing me to see past the hurt, the bitterness, the anger and to see you through it all once again.

Casualties of War...

I am a casualty of war. I am the victim of a horrific trauma. I am the entity that lives and breathes within you, suffocating you as I gain strength. Power is derived each time you let me win. I am greedy, I am selfish and I mean to conquer. Your soul is mine.

Have you ever felt this way? That you are fighting a never ending war against an unseen enemy? You don't have time to react, no time to conjure an adequate defense. This enemy is relentless and experienced. It knows when to attack, when you are at your weakest and it is confident of it's success on the battlefield. Against such insurmountable odds, it is hard not to become hopeless.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know what is right. I don't know what is wrong. All I know is I am lost, confused, hurt...

They say follow your heart, it will never steer you wrong. But what do you do, when normal rules don't apply? This is not a "normal" situation. It is an extraordinary situation and I am not an extraordinary person.

I am becoming numb. I don't feel anymore, unless it is a momentary flash of anger, then nothing. I have closed my heart, once again. It is hard to follow something that is caged.

If you love something, set it free...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Revisting Pain

Recently, while reading my newest book, "The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship", I opened yet another door into my own heart, into my own pain. It is at moments like these that I am able to re-evaluate where I am at, be it lost in the greiving cycle or falling into the abyss of anger, these moments bring me back to reality and give me a fresh perspective.

I am stuck in the anger part of the cycle, where I thought I had moved onto acceptance. Or perhaps I am bouncing between cycles. I am not raging, but I am most definitely sad. I want someone to take it all away, to make the pain stop. I reach out to friends, tears slipping out of my eyes, pleading for help and they look back at me, lost as I feel.

I made a promise to myself once, quite sometime ago, that I would never ever again put all of my faith and trust into any human being. Humans are fallable, they are imperfect creatures that make mistakes. When you put all of your faith, heart and love into one individual and you lose that individual, the devastation that occurs to your own soul is unbearable. Putting all of that energy into a higher power helps me to go on, helps me to remain "objective" and not waining in despair at what losses are being incurred before me.

During one of my weaker moments, I was speaking to a friend and passing on to her some of my manuscripts. My favorite tool to deal with my ptsd, my pain, is my writing. Getting it out of me is the most therapeutic exercise I can do for myself. I have quite the compilation as well. While updating my novel to send to her, I happened across entries that were very vivid, very painful to come across again.

I realized in that moment that everything I had been reading, that I perhaps had fought against that told me PTSD was an incurable disorder, was true. My own pain, my own disorder, that I have been living with my entire life, hit me between the eyes like a ton of bricks. It is true, it is an incurable disorder. We just learn to adapt and overcome, getting through one day at a time, the best that we can. We learn to control our symptoms, to avoid our triggers. In the instance that those efforts fail, we somehow manage to recognize the falling out while we are experiencing it, that allows us to come back from the brink a little sooner than we did the last time.

The only advantage I have over his suffering versus mine...I've been dealing with it longer. I recognize the signs in him, the triggers and I see it coming. Sometimes his outburts trigger mine. It is an interesting life we lead together, somehow holding each other together when we are falling apart, or literally tearing each other apart when we can not stop the rage from surfacing.

I have been reliving my pain today, while dealing with my own physical pain and injuries. My day has been so-so. But helping him has helped me look past my own issues.

We take one day at a time, that's all we can do.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

What I wouldn't give to be the dog...

Lord, what I wouldn't give to be the dog somedays. For whatever mishaps or wrongs they may do, he quickly forgives and offers them affection openly, without reservation. They get to cuddle, get kind words, kisses on the head...they get none of what I get...


I get looked at like I repulse him, like I have wronged him in some glorious way that I have no idea about. The roller coaster ride continues, yesterday was a good night for a change. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless. So why can't I celebrate it? Because this morning, it is back to business as usual lately and I don't know what to do.

I'm sitting here crying, feeling rejected yet again. I had to follow him out the door to get a kiss goodbye this morning and no response when I said I love you.

I wish I knew what I did wrong.

What I wouldn't give to be the dog (s)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Vow....

I recently watched a movie that had a wonderful wedding scene, where the two main characters were reading the vows that they had written for each other and they resonated deep inside my heart. For anyone that is a fan of Nicholas Sparks, his latest movie/book "The Vow" is worth watching. It is based on the real life story of a young married couple who copes with the wife's TBI and memory loss after a car accident. I thought it was very befitting of what most of us go through. Here are the vows:

Bride:
I vow to help you love life,
to always hold you with tenderness
and to have the patience that love demands.
To speak when words are needed
and to share the silence when words are not.
I will agree to disagree on red velvet cake
and to live within the warmth of your heart
and always call it home.

Groom:
I vow to love you fiercly,
in all your form,
now and forever.
I promise to never forget
that this is a once in a lifetime love,
and always know,
in the deepest part of my soul
that no matter what challenges
might carry us apart,
we'll always find our way back
to each other.

I have watched that movie over and over in the past week, taking more and more from it and crying at how closely it resembles the struggles that we are facing. I feel like I have lost the battle for his heart, for him. He is angry all the time and I never know what is going to set him off. In taking so much time caring for him, performing my job and being a friend, I have neglected to take care of myself. For all the care that I give, there is no one caring for me. I am only human, I do have a breaking point and I reached it the other day.

I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break, need to recharge. My body is showing the signs of extreme stress and at this point I am no good to anyone, not even myself. I went to go meet him for a beer the other day, wanting simply to relax, to unwind my pent up mind...I had no idea that it was going to be me that had the bad day. The guys at the bar were joking with him about something so trivial, but it hit me just wrong and I lost it. Mind you, I would have had the same reaction had I dropped my keys, stubbed my toe, etc. It was simply the straw that broke the camels back. I felt myself losing it, grabbed my things and started to leave, with tears in my eyes, saying "I'm sorry, I can't do this". He tried to stop me and got pissed at me for my reaction, thinking that I was jealous of the situation they were joking about.

I sent him a text to explain when I got home, stating that what happened had absolutely nothing to do with him. I knew I shouldn't have gone out in the state that I was in, but I desperately wanted to relax and not think. I had no idea I was going to lose it the way I did. I apologized for embarrassing him (which apparently is a HUGE deal to him lately). When he got home he was still extremely angry, the only text that he got was "I'm sorry Jeff". When I showed him the rest of the text, it diffused the situation a little.

I have a hard time rationalizing that I am not allowed to have a bad day. I am expected to serve, care for and keep a smile on, respect privacy, not question anything and not react with emotion at anything. I am sorry, but I am human. I have my faults as well. As well as I manage to hold things together, sometimes I do have a bad day.
I went and got a massage today, to release some of the tension in my neck and the trigger point therapy that was done released everything. My therapist said everything that I was holding in was emotional. Not a huge surprise there, huh.

After taking care of myself and getting some much needed rest, I am much more rational and can think more clearly. Once again, being objective in the current situation. I find myself closing off, for self preservation, to keep myself from being wounded. I try to remember these things:
1. Everyday is a new day - good, bad or indifferent
2. I can't bring him back from the brink, I can only be here when he comes back.
3. Steel my heart against the ism's that are part of his psychosis
4. Forgive quickly and love deeply
5. Honesty is never wrong, no matter how much it may hurt.
6. There are more important things than my pride.
7. It may not be the lesson that I am meant to learn, but the compassion that I am meant to give.
8. HE brought me to it, HE will bring me through it.
9. In my darkest moments, HE is my light, my savior and my sanity.
10. This is my CHOICE to be here, it is MY VOW.

God please help me through another day, guiding me, my thoughts and my hearts to the greater good. Please help me to overcome my reservations and fear, to walk tall and confidently along the path you have set me on. To give the pain over to you when it is too much to take and to simply breathe when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I pray for healing, I pray for peace. I pray for you to touch his heart, to help heal his wounded soul, to bring him out of the trenches and into the present, to celibrate and enjoy life, without pain. I pray that you help us love deeply, forgive quickly, hold our tongues in anger and to always remember there is a greater plan that the troubles we face in the moment. I shall walk by faith, not by sight in all things.

Amen

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Shades of Grey in the Black and White World

I should add a side note on to the post from yesterday, we were at the funeral of one of our dear friends that had been killed by a drunk driver on Sunday morning. This is the first personal loss my fiance has experienced since coming home from Afghanistan. It has been a rough couple of days, but not as bad as I had braced myself for. Most of the reactionary behavior was my own.

Had I not mentioned it before, I share a unique bond with my Soldier, as I also suffer from PTSD. From a clinical stand point, it is not anywhere close to the same, still, suffering from flashbacks, fear of crowds, loud noises, etc. gives me a unique perspective into his world. On some instances, it allows us to relate, where as someone who has not experienced the trauma I have would be able to. It is in instances like these that I get a rare insight into the "real" him. When I am "losing it" and slipping dangerously outside the realm of calm, he is able to turn his off somehow and bring me back from the precipice. It is strange and unfortunate, but almost poetic in a way. We belong together, if only because there is no one else in this world who can understand or tolerate the shit that we put each other through.

That is where I find myself at today, again dealing with the "it is the condition, not the man" point of view, along with realizing that somewhere in this grand scheme of things, karma is paying me a visit. It is the hardest thing not to point a finger and run...but I've learned there is nothing in this world worth having that ever comes easy. So it is time for me to put on my big girl panties, take my punishment for the wrongs I have committed, and trudge forward with this crazy thing we call life.

I haven't decided if it is good or bad yet, but I have started smoking again. All I know is that when the knots start tying up in my stomach and I have trouble clearing my head, that little cancer stick brings me back to center. Sad but true. C'est la vie. I will take whatever solace I can at times like this that keep me from losing my rapidly fraying mind.

In reading "War and the Soul" by Edward Tick, I have seen in the pages of this book, the man that I love dearly, jumping out at me. It was extremely tough to read some of it, though knowledge is power, I now have a name for the things that I can not make sense of. In it's strange little way, it helps. Anyway, I digress...the book speaks of behavioral issues of war wounded soldiers, specifically in this case, the duplicity of lifestyles. Soldiers sometimes lead two completely separate lives, their everyday "safe" life and then the one that nurtures that war-driven piece that craves the adrenaline rush, the sex, the danger, etc. Most will not see it as shameful or wrong, it simply is.

That is where I am at and to my own chagrin, I know about both worlds. The discoveries that I stumble upon give me a better insight to where He is at within his mind/world, than I would otherwise have. The more that shows up, the worse he is doing. It is his escape from reality, a reality of his own choosing, where he can be anything he wants to be...where he is not "damaged goods" anymore. Even though it hurts, I understand why it happens. I can not interject, I can not stop it. All I can do is pray for healing and pray that I continue to have the strength to stand by his side. I pray to have continual understanding that his actions and words are not "against me", that they have nothing to do with me...they are inside him, the emotions, the struggles, the pain...that is where all of this comes from. How can I stand against that? Simply put, I can not.

I will stand silently by, offering strength, compassion and laughter as often as it is allowed. I value him, I value our life together, our mutual understanding and intimate knowledge of one another hearts. I could not walk away, though God knows, it would be easier.

A song I heard on the radio today brought it all to the forefront for me when I needed it most. It was "Dark side" by Kelly Clarkson. If you have a chance, listen, I mean really listen, to the lyrics. It made the difference for me today and gave me back my perspective.

**on a side note, to date, I have opted to disconnect from the world and return to simplicity and nature. I am a small town farm girl that grew up in a very quiet world. When things get overwhelming, I find it better for myself and those around me if I return to "center". I have deleted my facebook and turned off my cell phone. My only connection is through FOV and for work, otherwise, I need to be seperated before I drive myself crazy**

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

PTSD - The Truth, The Lies, The Pain and the Rest...

Have you ever been so mad you literally want to spit nails? Each time I find a new deception I find myself locked in a world of "this is the disorder, not the man". But honestly, how many times can you tell yourself that before it starts sounding like another lame excuse, even to you?
Today, I feel that way. Even after hours of open communication and what sounded like real sentiment...one little ism is enough to send me into a spiral of doubt yet again. My heart jumps in my throat and my anger flares. So many emotions to process, so many absolutes versus gray area. It is days like this when I really don't know what to do, when I don't know how much more I can take.
I want to scream, I want to fight, I want to cry. I want to choke the life out of those that make this struggle even harder than it already is.. And not a damn bit of it will make me feel any better.
So, here we are. Having had several "good" days and yet, my happiness is over shadowed by pain. And still I hold on...
God I must be a fucking idiot! Always said I was a glutton for pain, especially when it comes to him.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Self-Esteem

I hate you, don't take it personally. It won't last long. It really has nothing to do with you at all. You are beautiful, everything that I used to be...and you being you, makes me feel less about myself. The way I used to make women feel. Now I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. So, when I say I hate you, take a closer look and you will see, that it is really me that I hate. Don't take it personally.