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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Roller Coaster Ride...

This roller coaster ride of emotions is driving me crazy. I am angry tonight, for no particular reason at all. Perhaps it is because my hands hurt from using the lotion I do to give him his massages to help him sleep. Perhaps it is from the comment of "Well, my everything hurts all the time so I don't have any sympathy for you". Well excuse the hell out of me while I torture myself to help you find even one iota of comfort!

I am not all about the martyrdom here. I care deeply for this man, I hate to see him in pain, I choose to do what I can to make it better even if it is only temporary. But damn it, enough is frickin enough! I understand you are in pain, I get it, I live with my own injuries every single day. I fight against it to get out of bed some days. And I push it aside to take care of you. There are days when I can't and by some miracle, you aren't a huge prick and make me feel better. I love you dearly for that, because I empathize with what you have to deal with.

I don't know if the pressure, the pain, the uncertainty of it all has got you so wrapped up that you can't see past your own circumstances? If that is the case, I can understand that. I get the PTSD, I get it baby, I really do. More than you know. All the books I read, all the research that I do, it isn't so I can understand what you went through. There is no way in the world I could even come close to fathoming what you have experienced. I am just trying to understand the disorder, beyond my own experience.

Thank you for opening up to me, for baring your tormented soul to show me bits and pieces of what you lived through. Thank you for trusting me enough to lean on me. When you curled up next to me and fell asleep with your head on my shoulder, I felt you here again. You weren't gone in your mind, you were here. You let me be strong for you while you grieved. Much more so than last year. Time is a healer of all wounds, it is a builder of bridges, of trust and of love. I am not your architect, I am your engineer. You show me the path that will help you achieve what you need and I will do what I can to make it so.

The roller coaster is part of the ride, and for now, my little rant is over.

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