I should add a side note on to the post from yesterday, we were at the funeral of one of our dear friends that had been killed by a drunk driver on Sunday morning. This is the first personal loss my fiance has experienced since coming home from Afghanistan. It has been a rough couple of days, but not as bad as I had braced myself for. Most of the reactionary behavior was my own.
Had I not mentioned it before, I share a unique bond with my Soldier, as I also suffer from PTSD. From a clinical stand point, it is not anywhere close to the same, still, suffering from flashbacks, fear of crowds, loud noises, etc. gives me a unique perspective into his world. On some instances, it allows us to relate, where as someone who has not experienced the trauma I have would be able to. It is in instances like these that I get a rare insight into the "real" him. When I am "losing it" and slipping dangerously outside the realm of calm, he is able to turn his off somehow and bring me back from the precipice. It is strange and unfortunate, but almost poetic in a way. We belong together, if only because there is no one else in this world who can understand or tolerate the shit that we put each other through.
That is where I find myself at today, again dealing with the "it is the condition, not the man" point of view, along with realizing that somewhere in this grand scheme of things, karma is paying me a visit. It is the hardest thing not to point a finger and run...but I've learned there is nothing in this world worth having that ever comes easy. So it is time for me to put on my big girl panties, take my punishment for the wrongs I have committed, and trudge forward with this crazy thing we call life.
I haven't decided if it is good or bad yet, but I have started smoking again. All I know is that when the knots start tying up in my stomach and I have trouble clearing my head, that little cancer stick brings me back to center. Sad but true. C'est la vie. I will take whatever solace I can at times like this that keep me from losing my rapidly fraying mind.
In reading "War and the Soul" by Edward Tick, I have seen in the pages of this book, the man that I love dearly, jumping out at me. It was extremely tough to read some of it, though knowledge is power, I now have a name for the things that I can not make sense of. In it's strange little way, it helps. Anyway, I digress...the book speaks of behavioral issues of war wounded soldiers, specifically in this case, the duplicity of lifestyles. Soldiers sometimes lead two completely separate lives, their everyday "safe" life and then the one that nurtures that war-driven piece that craves the adrenaline rush, the sex, the danger, etc. Most will not see it as shameful or wrong, it simply is.
That is where I am at and to my own chagrin, I know about both worlds. The discoveries that I stumble upon give me a better insight to where He is at within his mind/world, than I would otherwise have. The more that shows up, the worse he is doing. It is his escape from reality, a reality of his own choosing, where he can be anything he wants to be...where he is not "damaged goods" anymore. Even though it hurts, I understand why it happens. I can not interject, I can not stop it. All I can do is pray for healing and pray that I continue to have the strength to stand by his side. I pray to have continual understanding that his actions and words are not "against me", that they have nothing to do with me...they are inside him, the emotions, the struggles, the pain...that is where all of this comes from. How can I stand against that? Simply put, I can not.
I will stand silently by, offering strength, compassion and laughter as often as it is allowed. I value him, I value our life together, our mutual understanding and intimate knowledge of one another hearts. I could not walk away, though God knows, it would be easier.
A song I heard on the radio today brought it all to the forefront for me when I needed it most. It was "Dark side" by Kelly Clarkson. If you have a chance, listen, I mean really listen, to the lyrics. It made the difference for me today and gave me back my perspective.
**on a side note, to date, I have opted to disconnect from the world and return to simplicity and nature. I am a small town farm girl that grew up in a very quiet world. When things get overwhelming, I find it better for myself and those around me if I return to "center". I have deleted my facebook and turned off my cell phone. My only connection is through FOV and for work, otherwise, I need to be seperated before I drive myself crazy**
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