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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Life Less Ordinary

A life less ordinary is filled with the little trivial things that won't matter when this life ends, but they are what makes the days until that time so utterly worth living. It is a stolen glance, a smile on a dog, an arm around your shoulders without you having to ask when you need it most...these are the little things that make up my daily life. While it may seem boring, or trivial to the outside observer, they are what makes my existence worthwhile. I have a home, a man that loves me, a family...and to me, that is really something. It is my life, less ordinary, fully divine and one that I am eternally thankful to have :)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Nocturnal Drifter

So, here I sit amid the darkness, alone still even in an occupied house. The sounds of slumber resonates from the bedroom where my partner dreams. I took peace for a short while, laying next to him, listening the rythmic sound of his breathing..still not enough to lull me to sleep.
There is an uncomfortable distance between us again, perhaps it is just me. He is in another phase of "coping" or decompressing as he calls it. After a brief response, the walls have gone back up. So again, I'm wondering if it is just me placing boundaries where there are none. I'm not sure, but it is different.

I am so tired lately and not much fun. I wonder if he is bored with me? He does not want much physical contact, not even cuddling, like he did before. Granted it's been about 2 weeks since I've been able to lay down with him, perhaps that is the wall that is between us. It feels like it did back in Whidbey, when a forced month of seperation built a wall that was too strong to knock down and I was left in the dust.

I don't know what to do. Feel like I should leave, make him miss me, make me miss him. Its too soon to be "comfortable" to the point of boredom, isn't it? If it is that, then it is what I suspected from the beginning. Blow into my life for a short spell, then back out again. Though the things that he has done to assure me that isn't the case are pretty profound, but everything is subject to interpretation and change. Whatever that may be.

After 3 days of not hurting terribly bad, my leg is numb again... I attribute that to sleeping for 16 hours. Yet, here I am, writing this instead of focusing on my homework that has been neglected due to my exhaustion and need for rest.

I get the feeling of disapproval when I take time off of work. Kind of like, you just pulled a 16 which is effectively 8 more hours of overtime on your check, but you call out (which renders another 8 hours of pay for half the amount)...what was the point in killing yourself for the overtime??
I did not do it for the money, I did it because my team needed me. Sometimes you have to take one for the team without any reward. The only benefit to this particular exchange of hours, is me being able to take an extra day for myself without losing money for it. I actually gain 8 hrs of pay and an extra day off, so it's a decent trade off. Atleast in my eyes. I don't think it is viewed that way in others, not that I care. They don't have to live my life, I do. And damnit, I'm tired.

So here I shall sit and ponder as the night drags on. Perhaps I will join him again for a short spell before he has to go to work.

Au revoir

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Re-evaluating

Do you ever feel like you need to re-evaluate your position, your life? You are heading in one direction, then something changes and you have to shift your perspective. It's not a bad thing, just an adjustment. It's funny how life experiences change how you relate to those around you. Lessons learned in a previous life keep me at arms length in this one; safe, solid and reliant upon no one but myself. Granted, I live, love and learn with passion, but I hang on to myself, not allowing any piece of me to get totally caught up and swept away.
I'm not the only one that does this, I've noticed. It is a rather rampant trait the older we get, the more experiences we have. Our relationships are deeper, founded upon more substantial characteristics than those of our youth. They are not so trivial, there is less drama, less roller-coaster. These are lives of our own making and we are content within them.
So, I find myself pulling back in, not away. No, definitely not away, just back inside myself. There is a roller-coaster, an uncertainty in the future..which is to be expected in your position, I am acutely aware  of that. I will support and stand beside you in everything that you do; my resolve, my loyalty, my love will not falter. But I withdraw into myself, planning and holding on to me...not centering my life around you. This is what defines us both, our independence. And it is ultimately what ties us together, what bonds us, what makes us vulnerable to one another. It is the very essence of our love and our life.

I wouldn't trade one single moment.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Ever feel like the potato in a fruit salad????

WTF?? Seriously, wtf? Though I can totally relate to being the one on the outside or the "white elephant" in the room as it is more often referred to. That aside, on to today's topic...Neurosis.

Being one that suffers from being completely Type-A, anal, and overly analytical, neurosis is a part of my mental makeup. I find myself on uneven ground lately and I can not decide if it is intuition, muscle memory or something completely off the wall. Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself within someone else? Does that make any sense at all?

I feel lost, like I need to flee, to find my footing...why is that? Why am I so unnerved? Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Am I waiting for the boredom to set in? Waiting for an absolution? Is it me? Is it you? Is it nothing but my over active brain creating drama where there is none?  My instincts are usually not wrong, but then again, my neurosis vs. my instinct is a whole nother story all together.

Do I need to quit thinking? Do I need to step out and gain perspective? Is there perspective to be had? Is there another view that will clarify things for me?

Breathe. Slow down and breathe. Take two steps back and regain your footing. Stand on solid ground and be yourself, everything else will fall into place. Between the pain you are in, the over-loaded schedule, the lack of physical activity (among other things) and missing that final connection; you are over-reacting. Concentrate on you and what you need to do. Be who you are and it will be ok; Good, Bad, or Indifferent, you will survive as you always do.