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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Happiness lost...

When did happiness get lost? Do you remember the exact moment that it slipped away? I can not recall when it went, but I know that it is gone. I am miserable and have no one but myself to blame. I have let the insecure, selfish actions of others dictate my existence. When did I become less of who I am and more of who I am not nor wish to ever be? I am not weak, I am not meager, I am not spiteful or mean, I am not jealous nor possessive...however neurotic I may be, lol. So how in the world do I get back to me and still live in this life that I have chosen? Stay tuned, maybe I will figure it out.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Absolutes and Ultimatums...

It has been a month since my last post. A month of ups and down and uncertainties, a month filled with fear and the unknown, and a month of relief. He went in for his first surgery on his neck and back. For the first time he was afraid of the outcome. As he put it, "I've been blown up, shot at and stared hell in the face, but nothing compares to this, not knowing how I'll come out on the other side or if I will at all." These were words he spoke to me as tears ran down both of our cheeks and we held each other, not wanting to speak of the possible outcome, but forced to acknowledge it anyway.
This man that I love, the one that I rarely see anymore, reached out and squeezed my hand as he was getting wheeled away to surgery. "See you soon", I whispered and kissed him goodbye, praying that this would not be the last time I saw him, that I would not be going back to our home alone.
Success!! The surgery went well and he was released later that day. The next week was filled with the usual, cranky and being a prick because he was in pain, but that I'm used to..so easy to take in stride. He stopped drinking because of the medication and was diligently trying to quit smoking, to the point that he no longer smokes inside, yay!!! So many small victories to celebrate :) and he could feel his arms and his hands again, something that he hasn't been able to do in 2 years. It was everything we had hoped for and more. He even noticed a change in the physical abilities of his body, that little twinkle returning to his eye and the flirtiness in his actions. Wow, is this really happening? Is it too good to be true? I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but it's almost hard not too.
Then the fear sets in again...we haven't had a physical relationship for a very long time, will this change our life, our connection? Will it make my fears about infidelity worse, because now I know he is physically capable of it? Too many questions and that little 'IF' is a damn foreboding word that can drive you to drink if you let it.
Then, without warning, he showed up...who you may ask? Why him, I tell you, the man that I love, he showed up out of no where. He was caring and compassionate, he was affectionate and fun to be around, he was home again, after having been gone for so long. I was so happy to have him back, especially since my disabilities have gone into overdrive and it is I that need the caregiver for a change. Things were absolutely perfect again for the last couple of weeks. I was so happy...
And then, the walls came crashing down yet again. I had been blinded by my happiness, even though the signs were there, I chose to ignore them and got hit square between the eyes...
The drinking had steadily progressed again, since he stopped taking the pain meds. It is in moderation, but is still increasing at a rate that is more a "need" than just a "man that tastes good, I think I'll  have another" type of thing. He is able to drive again, so has no regulation by me on his movements...so he went out, around town and did what he used to do, stopped by and had a couple beers to reconnect with everyone. I could tell when he got home, the words were already slurring. Yet, I didn't say anything. We sat on the deck and he had 2 more. Yep, "here we go again" I kept thinking to myself. He is repeating himself, retelling things over and over...yep, here we go. His loving caresses have turned into the grabby man again, he is texting and chatting it up again..I actually caught him doing it without even trying. Then I get the "I know the flirting bothers you, but you're the one I want, you're the one I come home to...You are my everything, you know that, don't you? I hope you know that." And the lies have started again. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do...the lies would be easier to swallow without such a bitter aftertaste.

He fixed dinner, kept visiting me in the office...kissing on my neck, playing with the dogs..He's hiding again, hiding in plain sight and feeling guilty because I caught him (though these are things that he will never admit too)...then I did it, I opened my mouth (because in the past month, I've been able to talk to him without fearing the blow-up) and told him jokingly, "Ya know, I think I liked it when you were drinking less." and that was it. That set the whole raging roller coaster into motion yet again. He blew up at me and stomped out of the room..saying "well pardon me for having a few beers and some milks, maybe if I crash into a damn building then everyone will be happy." "Just leave me alone, it's obvious that you have a problem with me." All this followed by the glares and the hateful tones. So I tried to explain it to him, that I wasn't chastising him, nor judging him. I was happy he wasn't drinking as much because that meant he wasn't in pain like he used to be. I know that he smokes more when he drinks and it was counterproductive to the progress he had made. These pleas got ignored and he fell asleep on the couch...Yep, here we go again.

As he went outside for his last cigarette, before ignoring me and going to bed, I approached the subject one last time. "Babe, your drinking used to be a barometer of how you were doing, how much pain you were in or how bad the memories / dreams / flashbacks were. I could gauge how you were doing that way, since you rarely talk to me about it when you are closed off and hurting. But since the surgery, you evened out. And yes, to tell the truth, I liked it when you drank less. To me, that meant you were in less pain, that you were suffering less. It meant you were happier than you've been in a long time and you were "here", not just physically, but all of you. I missed you terribly and you were finally here. I was so happy and the house was calm again. So yes, when I noticed the drinking increase, I knew it was slipping away. I hoped saying something would keep you here, but now I know I was wrong." And with that, I kissed him on the temple, told him I loved him and walked back inside.
He proceeded to go to bed without speaking to me, something he hasn't done in this past month. I walked in later and kissed his head, rubbed his side and told him "sleep well, I love you" and walked out of the room.

Then, in the silent darkness of the night, I stepped out on the back porch and lost it. I cried like I had just lost my best friend without warning. The sobs shook my body, feeling the pain of the loss down to my very core. I knew it was coming, I saw the signs, but I didn't acknowledge them...and this is what was left. As I bawled my eyes out to my mom. Everything was so perfect, we were so happy and just like that, it was gone again.

I miss him. I want him back. I want our life back....

I miss him....