Faults and All

In what reality do you want me? Perhaps in this one, though I cannot fathom why. You blew back into my life, without warning, without cause and I find myself relenting to you, knowing too well the hurt that will ensue when you decide to blow back out.

Though things are decidedly different this time, very different indeed. You are still the same hard, crass individual that I knew so long ago, but there is tenderness about you that was not there before. You still boast of being the hardass that doesn’t care, your actions speak different. You kissed me like you never had before, you touched me as you never had before…you held me when I was falling apart and there was true tenderness in every moment.

Being with you is simple, it is easy. I know what to expect…at least I thought I did. I like to convince myself that I did. You will not give yourself exclusively to me, though you are pleased that I apparently have done so for you. It is a double standard and a double edged sword. I am a glutton for punishment as we have both said.

Though you are not the only one who is different this time. I still cherish you, I believe I always will, whether we are together or not. You have always been honest with me and I respect you for that. You are a broken old war horse that loves to tell his stories and relive his glory days knowing that his stories will neither shock nor drive me away. You are tender, underneath it all. I see it, I feel it…

Perhaps this is what draws me to you, what has always drawn me to you. But for my own sake I shall keep my heart locked away this time. You are the leader in this dance and I follow as gracefully as my two left feet will allow.

I am thankful for the perspective I have now, where I did not have it before. I enjoy your company, your conversation, your intimacy… I do not give you all of myself, not this time. I do not talk to you like I did before. I do not trust you. I do not trust you with me. It has been a long hard road to learn to follow my instincts and they scream loudly at me “I DO NOT TRUST YOU”…

I will not allow you to do to me what you did last time. I am ready for it, I actually expect it. I will ride the ride as long as it is good and we shall part again, but never for good. We are connected and we touch each other’s lives implicitly.  “I DO NOT TRUST YOU”

I do care for you, deeply and profoundly. I see that in your eyes and I felt it in your being the first night we were together again.

I am ready to be away from you for a while. I need to disconnect and reconnect with myself, my life. I long to feel the pavement under my feet and the burn in my muscles as I run. I long to see the smile on Rebel’s face as he runs beside me. He loves you too you know, but he remembers last time. Just as I do.

You are what I desire though and what I have asked for. Someone that accepts me for who I am and doesn’t ask me to change. Someone who respects my strength and my intelligence, who is not threatened by it. Someone who allows me to be vulnerable and will hold my hand when I need it. Someone who can satisfy me physically, in all aspects, but finally understands that this highly sexual individual is not all about sex. Someone that I can have long conversations with, or sit in complete silence with and be totally comfortable. Someone that is independent and has a life of their own, respects that I have the same and still wants a life “together” in that mix.

Yes, you are what I want, every wounded, scared, fucked up, neurotic piece of you. Faults and all baby, faults and all. I am no longer the hopeless romantic or the jaded cynic. I am a realist and practical. We are all broken, we all have baggage, but it is those experiences that make us the people we are.

You are a good man, jagged around the edges perhaps, but a good man. When you decide that I am no longer enough or the thought of being with just me gets to be too much, I will feel the sting of the pain when you go elsewhere. But I will be thankful for the time we have had and the moments we have shared.

Fear

Do I dare voice the fears that plague me? Do I give them life? Or does merely thinking them give them power?
I appear calm and confident on the outside, but on the inside a ceaseless battle rages on. My paranoia and insecurity threaten to suffocate me and turn my stomach. They creep in on my rational mind, taking over and laying their tumultous foundation, rocking my happy mind into a fearful frenzy.
There is no happy ending here. There can't be, can there? I mean, look what happened last time...Don't I know better, once bitten twice shy as they say...
Or is it fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But there was no fooling the first time. I don't believe there is fooling this time. But there is no happy ending (whatever that may be, I don't have the slightest clue).
But for now, there is contentment. There is companionship. There is respect and caring...
The missing parts, the parts that drive my mind into this fearful frenzy, are the ones that have ruled every relationship I've ever had. I am on foreign ground and do not know how to react. This is not a physical relationship and my entire existence has been physical. It's messing with my psyche and my esteem. But it is exactly where I need to be and where I have been working so hard to get to. I suppose this is the last hurdle for me to overcome, actually putting into practice what I have tried so hard to become.
I find I lack the strength to put that physical side to rest, because I am an intimate, passionate person. I enjoy physical contact...
This is where I tell myself to get over myself. He pursued me, he came back into my life, he desires me. So why is that not a part of our relationship...
He has explained it to me and I understand...but that old piece of me, the one that has been defined by physicality, is barking at the door threatening to unhinge me.

HOLD YOUR TONGUE YOU OLD DOG< THIS IS NOT YOUR PLACE ANYMORE>MY LIFE IS NOT DEFINED NOR CONTROLLED BY YOU< I AM FREE AND I WILL MAKE MY WAY WITHOUT BEING A SLAVE TO YOU...

Moments

This life is full of moments. Some memorible, some forgettable..our lives are defined by these moments. It is often said, life is not about the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breaths away. I have had a life filled with moments, some quite insignificant, some breathtaking..to the point of suffocation. Todays reiterated all to clearly how true that statement is. I attended a funeral for the husband of a cousin who has become very dear to me in the last 3 years. She is part of a link to a life that has passed, one that was and is more dear to me than any other I've known. At 33 years of age, she is recently widowed, left to fend for herself and the 2 children they adopted together. He was her best friend, her soul mate, her lover of 13 years. She is completely lost without him.
Though I have not suffered her exact loss, I know her pain. I know what it feels like to have your chest ache mearly from the pain of taking one breath for simple existence. I know what it is like to wonder, lost, not knowing what your next move is. Tom Hanks said it best in Sleepless in Seatlle when speaking to Dr. Marsha Fieldstone on the call in radio show that his son called in on..she asked him point blank, "So tell me Sam, what are you going to do." His reply was, "Dr. Marsha, can I call you Dr. Marsha...I'm going to remind myself to get out of bed every day, and I'm going to remind myself to breathe in and out until I don't have to remind myself to get out of bed and to breathe in and out and try to forget how I had it great and perfect for awhile"
Loss is painful. I have laid to rest too many to count, too many to remember. Death is the great equalizer. It does not discriminate, young, old...sick, healthy, it does not matter. When it is your time, it is your time and you will go. It will destroy those that you leave behind. How you touched the lives around you will be put in the spotlight. Today, the man that was laid to rest was one that I did not know. But I hold dear the person that he left behind and it ripped my heart out to see her hurt so terribly much. I've been there, far too often in my life, felt the loss, the pang of death..and it cuts deep into my heart every time.
Yes, death is the great equalizer... and I am it's scale, feeling to the core every ounce of loss...

this is how he created me..this is how I shall always be.

My life is forever filled with moments and I am defined by those that touch me.

Pain

Suffered in silence or worn on a sleeve for the whole world to see, pain affects each of us in a different way and we each seek our own relief through whatever means possible. For some, it is through words; for others it is through prayer, through chemical dependency, through alcohol, through physical means...whatever numbs or distracts the mind for even a moment, is a welcome moment. Fear of being judged for the means by which we find relief, only adds to the suffering that we endure..for this I offer a thought; It is not for others to judge, it is for you, the bearer of the cross, to release yourself from your private hell. As an individual who suffers daily...I offer this perspective...

Existence in the Midst of Pain

What do you say to a friend you have hurt?

Or to a loved one that goes unloved?

How do you explain your pain?

It does not go unnoticed,

the pain that grows within...

people all around you, in some

way, feel the pain that you

are in.

Your words are cruel and harsh,

they cut too deep, when will this

pain go on and allow you to weep?

Your suffering wells up deep within,

your soul bears the marks of all you

feel and don't mean. Do they really understand

that you love them, even if you only

show them anger?

How does one move past the hurt

that has grown inside, each day

it grows stronger, when is it time?

When is it time for the hurt to die

and the soul to live?

A soul only yearns to be happy

without physical ailments to destroy

all the love that it has had and lost.

Memories are now painful. Even the ones

that are made happily. Am I dying?

I do not know. If I am I do not wish

to suffer and cause the ones around me

to suffer also. Even the ones I do not

know or like, they do not deserve my

anger or my hurt.

Life goes on and so will I,

I only wish I could decide,

whether to laugh or cry.

Because any way you decipher this,

this is no way for a soul to

live, nor for a soul to die.