Role Models

I spoke recently with my mother regarding my project of "Becoming G.I. Jane" in complete contrast of "Becoming Jane", though I guess they do hold similiar concepts of becoming something other than one's present state of being. I spoke to her of the qualities of the woman that I desire to become like and the response I received was "you know why she is that way...because it was written in the script". She found it amusing that I desired to become like a movie star. I giggled at her perception, because it has absolutely no bearing on anything.

G. I. Jane - the epitome of everything I have held dear since I was a small child. The military has been my main stay since I was little. I have held it on a pedastal, the absolute highest regard, even though my own career with the armed forces was cut short. I used to look stary eyed at my Dad's dress uniforms, Drill Instructor hat, cadence tapes, etc. I loved going with him to training and even requested of him to treat me like one of his soldiers. I kept my bunk in tip top shape and trained with him when he would let me. I recall during Desert Storm, while in Utah with my family (My Dad was in Ft. Benning, GA training troops), standing at attention and saluting the convoy of military vehicles passing me. I have always revered the military and wanted nothing more than to be a solider my whole life.
The first chance I got to enlist, I did so, even requiring consent of both my parents to do so before my 17th birthday. I kept my gear in check. Fell into stride in boot camp, rising to squad leader quickly and loving every single minute of it. My body on the other hand did not rise to the challenge.
I connected myself with the military through means of other people after that. I have always had friends and lovers in the military. It is home to me. Even now, being single, I seek out a soldier for a mate. There is something so seductive about the uniform, the attitude and candor behind it; the class, the moral fortitude, the heart of the individual that wears it. That is who I am on the inside and it is who I long to be near.
I have always envisioned myself as G.I. Jane (as opposed to G.I. Joe, whom I played religiously with as a child). I am not government issued. I am a grand individual. Strong, independant, trustworthy...everything that is important to me is embodied in the woman that this portrays. My insides, my character is strong. I wish my body to be the same. I do not care if I am an adonis or gorgeous, I simple want to be strong. I want my insides to match my outsides. Strong.

So...back to my original question. How does one become G.I. Jane? I think my path is becoming clearer and clearer. Lord, lead me where I shall fulfill my purpose for which I was created. I follow my heart and your will. Hoo Rah!

Blogging, blogging, blogging..keep them doggies bloggin, Rawhide!!!

The absence of writing has been a direct result of feeling better. Odd how that works, isn't it. Not that my thoughts have ceased, they just take on a much lighter tone and instead of writing them down..I am constantly analyzing my every move. I am anal, literally anal, about everything. The no bullshit, no frills girl that can't let anything go because she is so busy analzying everything. I carry it all in my shoulders and am always tense...

Like the most recent thought, that is subsequently a recurring thought...How does one become G.I.Jane? I have admired that woman since I first saw the movie. She is the epitome of what I have always thought I was. One big difference, she never quit. I have. That song, "I hear voices", has a line in it that says "Son you quit that team, you'll be a quitter for the rest of your life"..Man alive isn't that the truth.
I quit my first team when I was 13 years old. I literally walked out on my volleyball team because of the drama and the bs. I was never a popular girl and with the events that surrounded me, I was the brunt of cruelty. So, rather than be attacked, I walked out. I have walked out on so many things since then. I got bored in high school, though I did finish. I had my future planned out...and I walked out on it. Why do I always walk away? This is the lessons I've learned in my life and I've repeated them over and over.
But I did not quit on Justin, I did not quit on myself, I did not quit on my children. Maybe there is some hope for me yet.
Anyway, I digress. How does one become G.I. Jane? This is my new project, myself in the physical sense. Along with progressing with my financial stability (business is where I rock). How do I do it>? How do I become that which I have idealized for years, and in my minds eye, I am her...but in the mirror, I am not. How do I? How do I? How do I?....

Stay tuned....

Perhaps the answers will reveal themselves.

Validation

We all spout off from time to time that we do not care what other people think, that is why we get tattooed, pierced, wear our hair in freakish styles, etc. But the reality is, is that we are all seeking some sort of validation from somewhere. The more outlandish your appearance, the more it states that I am hard, I dare you to approach me, better yet, I dare you not to judge me. The more understated, the more it states that I am scared and am hiding, please don't notice me..then again, please do.
I've thought recently about the things that have shaped my past and more aptly, my present. Being told I would never be "officer wife material", that I am too bold to be noticed or liked by the boys, that my husband would like to know he wasn't kissing a man from time to time.
I have spent a majority of my life "not caring" what other people think of me and for the most part that is true. I have scars and secrets that you will never know or understand unless you take the time to get to know me. I don't care what you think, I am the way I am because of the life I have lived.
But at the end of the day, even I seek validation from someone. I crave that praise that tells me I am good at my job. That longing smile that tells me I am desired. That falling tear that tells me I'm missed. And most of all, that lingering hug that says I love you and don't want you to leave.
Yes, we all seek validation, no matter what pretense we portray to convince ourselves otherwise.

Laughable Irony

I find people's reaction to the thought or impending pretense of suicide amusing. They either lose their minds or completely avoid it altogether, like either reaction will have a favorable outcome. The reality of life is this, people do get sad. Some just deal with it better than others. There are times that the battle to hold on is a tremendous one, there is no doubt about that. For today, the battle for good is won, I am still drawing breath and smiling. The sun is shining and the wolf has left his perch at my doorstep. When will his winds blow again? It's hard to tell. Each battle is unique.

Dear God...

"Dear God, It's Me, Margaret" I vaguely remember reading that book as a child, now I find myself composing something quite similar. I have no one to talk to... Well that isn't completely true, I talk to people all night long, it's my job to do so. That's just the mundaneness of that ugly four letter word that pays the bills. It certainly does not bring me joy, nor even a challenge like it used to. It is only a thorn in my side that must be endured for the greater good. C'est la vie.

So this gets me back to my point. I have no one to talk to. No one that understands and that won't fly off the handle at my particular topic of interest.."I'm having a real hard time with this whole living thing"
It has become much like my job, a thorn in my side that must be endured. The alternate is looking more and more appealing daily..who am I kidding, it's looking more appealing hourly. I find myself trying to put my affairs in order, but I'm not quite to that point yet. Not ready to face that eternal darkness, no, not quite yet.

Would anybody notice? I mean really notice? Or am I just dust in the wind? We all are, if you really sit and think about it. Of all those I have laid to rest and said goodbye to, the world did not stop turning because they were gone, the winds just shifted slightly allowing for their passing. Though I have to say, the last loss tilted my existence axis beyond recovery me thinks. Hell, he wouldn't even recognize me now, I don't hardly recognize myself. There is no knowing when I look in the mirror...only hollow eyes, deep, dark and languid pools of suffering and sadness. I hardly cry at the sadness anymore, perhaps I have shed my quota of tears and there are none left in reserve. The ache is still there though. I can feel it deep inside my chest. Like when I lost JD, time and time again..even now, that ache is there. Or when I gave my daughter up or lost my other one...that deep seated ache that has no boundaries but can grab ahold of your ability to function.

Why!! Why!! Why!! Why do these things have a hold on me? Why do you allow it? I know I know, that is a rhetorical and down right silly question to ask. You gave me free will, though you may guide me, my destiny is still my own. No matter how many issues I work through, or ghosts that I think I have laid to rest, it still creeps up. Perhaps I am like the dog that has been beat one too many times, cowering in the corner at the raise of a hand, muscle memory..I can't forget, can't let go of it.. It is too deep, too embedded in me, it is a part of me. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just blah. Void of emotion and too tired to care anymore. Eternal sleep, rest with no memories to haunt me and steal my joy.  Wishful thinking I'm guessing. Murphy's Law, this crap will follow me to the grave and beyond. Tis the hand you dealt me, I'm doing my best but I'll be honest, the chips are down and I'm ready to fold.


Sinking slowly....

Lost, Dazed and Confused

I've never felt much like I belonged anywhere, never quite fitting in...always on the outside looking in. It never mattered much, my presence was always felt and remembered. Though I was still alone at the end of the day. I made the somewhat sickening revealtion that every "great" love I have had, is now either married or shacked up with someone else in bliss and I am nothing more than a hot memory, glowing in the night like a neon sign reminding the bearer of what once was and where danger lies.
I am alone. By choice and eternally, alone.

Why??