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Thursday, August 30, 2012

What I wouldn't give to be the dog...

Lord, what I wouldn't give to be the dog somedays. For whatever mishaps or wrongs they may do, he quickly forgives and offers them affection openly, without reservation. They get to cuddle, get kind words, kisses on the head...they get none of what I get...


I get looked at like I repulse him, like I have wronged him in some glorious way that I have no idea about. The roller coaster ride continues, yesterday was a good night for a change. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless. So why can't I celebrate it? Because this morning, it is back to business as usual lately and I don't know what to do.

I'm sitting here crying, feeling rejected yet again. I had to follow him out the door to get a kiss goodbye this morning and no response when I said I love you.

I wish I knew what I did wrong.

What I wouldn't give to be the dog (s)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Vow....

I recently watched a movie that had a wonderful wedding scene, where the two main characters were reading the vows that they had written for each other and they resonated deep inside my heart. For anyone that is a fan of Nicholas Sparks, his latest movie/book "The Vow" is worth watching. It is based on the real life story of a young married couple who copes with the wife's TBI and memory loss after a car accident. I thought it was very befitting of what most of us go through. Here are the vows:

Bride:
I vow to help you love life,
to always hold you with tenderness
and to have the patience that love demands.
To speak when words are needed
and to share the silence when words are not.
I will agree to disagree on red velvet cake
and to live within the warmth of your heart
and always call it home.

Groom:
I vow to love you fiercly,
in all your form,
now and forever.
I promise to never forget
that this is a once in a lifetime love,
and always know,
in the deepest part of my soul
that no matter what challenges
might carry us apart,
we'll always find our way back
to each other.

I have watched that movie over and over in the past week, taking more and more from it and crying at how closely it resembles the struggles that we are facing. I feel like I have lost the battle for his heart, for him. He is angry all the time and I never know what is going to set him off. In taking so much time caring for him, performing my job and being a friend, I have neglected to take care of myself. For all the care that I give, there is no one caring for me. I am only human, I do have a breaking point and I reached it the other day.

I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break, need to recharge. My body is showing the signs of extreme stress and at this point I am no good to anyone, not even myself. I went to go meet him for a beer the other day, wanting simply to relax, to unwind my pent up mind...I had no idea that it was going to be me that had the bad day. The guys at the bar were joking with him about something so trivial, but it hit me just wrong and I lost it. Mind you, I would have had the same reaction had I dropped my keys, stubbed my toe, etc. It was simply the straw that broke the camels back. I felt myself losing it, grabbed my things and started to leave, with tears in my eyes, saying "I'm sorry, I can't do this". He tried to stop me and got pissed at me for my reaction, thinking that I was jealous of the situation they were joking about.

I sent him a text to explain when I got home, stating that what happened had absolutely nothing to do with him. I knew I shouldn't have gone out in the state that I was in, but I desperately wanted to relax and not think. I had no idea I was going to lose it the way I did. I apologized for embarrassing him (which apparently is a HUGE deal to him lately). When he got home he was still extremely angry, the only text that he got was "I'm sorry Jeff". When I showed him the rest of the text, it diffused the situation a little.

I have a hard time rationalizing that I am not allowed to have a bad day. I am expected to serve, care for and keep a smile on, respect privacy, not question anything and not react with emotion at anything. I am sorry, but I am human. I have my faults as well. As well as I manage to hold things together, sometimes I do have a bad day.
I went and got a massage today, to release some of the tension in my neck and the trigger point therapy that was done released everything. My therapist said everything that I was holding in was emotional. Not a huge surprise there, huh.

After taking care of myself and getting some much needed rest, I am much more rational and can think more clearly. Once again, being objective in the current situation. I find myself closing off, for self preservation, to keep myself from being wounded. I try to remember these things:
1. Everyday is a new day - good, bad or indifferent
2. I can't bring him back from the brink, I can only be here when he comes back.
3. Steel my heart against the ism's that are part of his psychosis
4. Forgive quickly and love deeply
5. Honesty is never wrong, no matter how much it may hurt.
6. There are more important things than my pride.
7. It may not be the lesson that I am meant to learn, but the compassion that I am meant to give.
8. HE brought me to it, HE will bring me through it.
9. In my darkest moments, HE is my light, my savior and my sanity.
10. This is my CHOICE to be here, it is MY VOW.

God please help me through another day, guiding me, my thoughts and my hearts to the greater good. Please help me to overcome my reservations and fear, to walk tall and confidently along the path you have set me on. To give the pain over to you when it is too much to take and to simply breathe when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I pray for healing, I pray for peace. I pray for you to touch his heart, to help heal his wounded soul, to bring him out of the trenches and into the present, to celibrate and enjoy life, without pain. I pray that you help us love deeply, forgive quickly, hold our tongues in anger and to always remember there is a greater plan that the troubles we face in the moment. I shall walk by faith, not by sight in all things.

Amen

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Shades of Grey in the Black and White World

I should add a side note on to the post from yesterday, we were at the funeral of one of our dear friends that had been killed by a drunk driver on Sunday morning. This is the first personal loss my fiance has experienced since coming home from Afghanistan. It has been a rough couple of days, but not as bad as I had braced myself for. Most of the reactionary behavior was my own.

Had I not mentioned it before, I share a unique bond with my Soldier, as I also suffer from PTSD. From a clinical stand point, it is not anywhere close to the same, still, suffering from flashbacks, fear of crowds, loud noises, etc. gives me a unique perspective into his world. On some instances, it allows us to relate, where as someone who has not experienced the trauma I have would be able to. It is in instances like these that I get a rare insight into the "real" him. When I am "losing it" and slipping dangerously outside the realm of calm, he is able to turn his off somehow and bring me back from the precipice. It is strange and unfortunate, but almost poetic in a way. We belong together, if only because there is no one else in this world who can understand or tolerate the shit that we put each other through.

That is where I find myself at today, again dealing with the "it is the condition, not the man" point of view, along with realizing that somewhere in this grand scheme of things, karma is paying me a visit. It is the hardest thing not to point a finger and run...but I've learned there is nothing in this world worth having that ever comes easy. So it is time for me to put on my big girl panties, take my punishment for the wrongs I have committed, and trudge forward with this crazy thing we call life.

I haven't decided if it is good or bad yet, but I have started smoking again. All I know is that when the knots start tying up in my stomach and I have trouble clearing my head, that little cancer stick brings me back to center. Sad but true. C'est la vie. I will take whatever solace I can at times like this that keep me from losing my rapidly fraying mind.

In reading "War and the Soul" by Edward Tick, I have seen in the pages of this book, the man that I love dearly, jumping out at me. It was extremely tough to read some of it, though knowledge is power, I now have a name for the things that I can not make sense of. In it's strange little way, it helps. Anyway, I digress...the book speaks of behavioral issues of war wounded soldiers, specifically in this case, the duplicity of lifestyles. Soldiers sometimes lead two completely separate lives, their everyday "safe" life and then the one that nurtures that war-driven piece that craves the adrenaline rush, the sex, the danger, etc. Most will not see it as shameful or wrong, it simply is.

That is where I am at and to my own chagrin, I know about both worlds. The discoveries that I stumble upon give me a better insight to where He is at within his mind/world, than I would otherwise have. The more that shows up, the worse he is doing. It is his escape from reality, a reality of his own choosing, where he can be anything he wants to be...where he is not "damaged goods" anymore. Even though it hurts, I understand why it happens. I can not interject, I can not stop it. All I can do is pray for healing and pray that I continue to have the strength to stand by his side. I pray to have continual understanding that his actions and words are not "against me", that they have nothing to do with me...they are inside him, the emotions, the struggles, the pain...that is where all of this comes from. How can I stand against that? Simply put, I can not.

I will stand silently by, offering strength, compassion and laughter as often as it is allowed. I value him, I value our life together, our mutual understanding and intimate knowledge of one another hearts. I could not walk away, though God knows, it would be easier.

A song I heard on the radio today brought it all to the forefront for me when I needed it most. It was "Dark side" by Kelly Clarkson. If you have a chance, listen, I mean really listen, to the lyrics. It made the difference for me today and gave me back my perspective.

**on a side note, to date, I have opted to disconnect from the world and return to simplicity and nature. I am a small town farm girl that grew up in a very quiet world. When things get overwhelming, I find it better for myself and those around me if I return to "center". I have deleted my facebook and turned off my cell phone. My only connection is through FOV and for work, otherwise, I need to be seperated before I drive myself crazy**

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

PTSD - The Truth, The Lies, The Pain and the Rest...

Have you ever been so mad you literally want to spit nails? Each time I find a new deception I find myself locked in a world of "this is the disorder, not the man". But honestly, how many times can you tell yourself that before it starts sounding like another lame excuse, even to you?
Today, I feel that way. Even after hours of open communication and what sounded like real sentiment...one little ism is enough to send me into a spiral of doubt yet again. My heart jumps in my throat and my anger flares. So many emotions to process, so many absolutes versus gray area. It is days like this when I really don't know what to do, when I don't know how much more I can take.
I want to scream, I want to fight, I want to cry. I want to choke the life out of those that make this struggle even harder than it already is.. And not a damn bit of it will make me feel any better.
So, here we are. Having had several "good" days and yet, my happiness is over shadowed by pain. And still I hold on...
God I must be a fucking idiot! Always said I was a glutton for pain, especially when it comes to him.