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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Judgement

Who are you? Really, who are you? Who are you to stand in judgement of anyone? Ye who hath done no wrong... Oh, wait, that isn't you. You have lived a life full of wrong and rebounded from it, becoming a better person. Yet, you stand in judgement of someone you have never met for their vices?!! Who are you?!!

It is amazing to see the true character of a person slip out when things go awry. You apologize for the cruelty and harshness that has spewed, unchecked from your miserable lips, yet the truth that you believe and feel is in those very words. You may cover and back track, but the truth of the matter is in the impulse. You meant what you said, every single word.

You have spouted off in anger and held others in contempt when they do the same. To do that to one you claim is your closest and dearest friend, in regards to someone they love...seriously, where the hell do you get off?
Do you know the road they have travelled? Have you experienced their loss? Their pain? How dare you stand in judgement!

It is a smack in the face when you realize someone that you considered one of your closest friends, your brother, is not who you believed they were. In one single, solitary moment, you have changed the way you are viewed.

Those words, that action are not forgiven.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Demons

Demons can surface at any time. No matter how many you think you've faced, defeated, overcome, there is still that straggler that hides in the shadows, pouncing on you at the most inopportune times. One such demon has unleashed it's poison upon my psyche, yielding a deafening blow and bringing me to tears, core and confidence shaken.

How does one, that has been blessed with a body to die for most of her life, go from being coveted, to undesired? A body that brought nothing but pain and suffering, has now been replaced with a softer, rounder version. The curves are still there, just not as well defined, having been hidden by a few layers of padding. She still gets the looks every now and then, mostly for her breasts or her "come hither eyes" or pouty, full lips...but not much more than that.
She has been beat down, degraded, embarrassed by those closest to her. Yet her own image, her own criticism is much worse than any of theirs could ever be. How can you expect someone else to love or desire, what you loathe yourself? And the worst part being, she has tried and tried and tried to get back to the physical beauty that she used to be and she can't even come close to obtaining it. There is always an injury, always a set back. She is now physically unable to push herself to the strength phase. Why are you doing this, she asks God over and over? Is this how you see me? Is this how you wish me to be? I have finally found the love you intended for me, the one I have desired..who loves me for who I am, heart and soul to the core. But don't you want me to be loved for all that I am? He tells her she is beautiful, even being bigger. He has always known she was bigger and still he wanted her. But he also tells her that her weight is a minuscule part of why the physical part of their relationship is not there.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? PLEASE SHOW ME, HELP ME THROUGH THIS.... BECAUSE I AM STRUGGLING GOD, I AM AT THE BASE OF SELF LOATHING, UNABLE TO SEE THE WONDERFUL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE THAT YOU HAVE PLACED IN FRONT OF ME, SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN BY ALL OF IT BEFORE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE LOVED WITHOUT BEING DESIRED, WITHOUT POSSESSION, WITHOUT TOTAL CONSUMPTION....PLEASE HELP ME.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Irony

The sex addict falls in love with a partner that can not be physically intimate - that is the ultimate definition of irony. It is amazing how love and faith can change a person. To find something that they have searched for their entire life in the most unlikely of places, that puts their biggest vice under the spotlight and helps them grow, it truly is an amazing thing to see HIS works in action.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Weakness

Do you ever find yourself torn between who you desire to be and who you actually are? There is a battle raging between these two within me and I feel consumed with the war. The desire for strength is there, the will is there...the ability is not. The body is still locked in a healing phase that my mind will not aquiese to. I see a weak, tired, unattractive person in the mirror. I don't like it, I want to change it, but I am being fought at every turn...

How do I cope with this? How do I not let my body fade into disrepair while it heals from the damage it has incurred? Better yet, how do I make my mind accept that it has to heal?

The battle rages.. I need help...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Commitment

Commitment is a funny thing. It can exist without being demanded. It gives a level of permanence, of solidity and most generally, can scare the living crap out of most adult males. All be it I am not of the male persuasion, I can lump myself into that category. Things have been going swimmingly, our time together is relaxed and fulfilling, we are committed to one another on a "gray" level...not that we would admit it to the rest of the world. Affections are given freely, intimate sentiments are given privately and not uttered to the rest of the world; a future, a warmth is building, but where does it lead? Is this where my over analytical self kicks into overdrive and threatens to un-do this comfortable existence?
We are both planning futures that do not "include" each other, but they don't  exclude each other either. We are "building a life" as you put it. And I'm good with that.
Until that idea of permanence creeps in. You built me furniture and gave me an office. I didn't realize we were there yet. I about hyperventilated when you did that. I am the queen of commitaphobes. As I said, I like being with you because you're more screwed up than I am and it makes me look normal! Ha!! Thank you for bringing me back down to earth and showing me that we aren't there yet. You made my heart beat normally and breathing resumed. Furniture and office are practical applications that allow me to be near you and still do my job, given my schedule. Any other thought of permanence is too much right now. There is a small basket of things in the bathroom, but that is much like the office..it is practical. There is no space in the closet or the dresser for my things. That is too much to give, take, whatever; it is too much. Thank you for that. I felt myself shutting down and looking for the nearest exit to run to. I am going home soon and I don't know when I'll be back. I need to breathe, to connect with me and disconnect from you, where I am safe and in control. When the ache of being away from you gets to be too much to bear, I will be back. I don't like being away from you, but I need to regain my perspective.

J'taime Mon Cheri...