Follow by Email

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have not made a Christmas Wish List in years. I haven't celebrated Christmas in years. It isn't that I hate the holiday, I just hate the way that I feel around this time of year. I have had no reason to celebrate for a very long time and I have been alone for a very long time. It is easier to push it to the back of my mind and just treat it like another day, rather than admit that I am lonely. But this year, I have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate, still I find myself a bit melancholy still.
Wish one - a heavy bag and boxing gloves. I am disabled in just about every other way, but I can still use my upper body.
Wish two - tangible, physical affection from my partner. I miss it and crave it.
Wish three - Answers. For both myself and for my partner regarding our health. I pray for forward momentum and progress, instead of this infernal stagnation that we have been treading water in.
Wish four - I pray for fidelity, loyalty and honest love for all of those that do not have it. I see brothers mistreating their partners, being dishonest and being disloyal. It breaks my heart. I will abide by the rules and I will keep my mouth shut, but I will pray relentlessly for their hearts to be touched by the Lord and for them to become "real men" in the eyes of the maker.

I am not big on public opinion. I despise liars and cheats.

Lord forgive them, fore they know not what they do.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Silent Contemplation

The time of year for my annual withdrawal from sanity has begun. I don't know what it is about this time of year that makes me crazy, literally, but it seems to be happening more and more. Take today for instance, I have been battling the beast of depression all damn day, barely keeping it at bay. Is it sad that I have to make sure I leave the house before the really bad thoughts start?  Those dark, seductive "Let's put an end to the suffering" kind of thoughts. I have never wanted a violent end, but there is something so alluring about the sig saur .40 caliber sitting on the counter that keeps drawing my minds attention. I have to leave so I have an ounce of a chance at ignoring those thoughts. It really doesn't matter though, whether or not I am physically in the house, because my mind is there...seeing me picking up the pistol, caressing the smooth barrel like a new lover. Feeling the weight of the loaded magazine in my hand, the way the grip slides willing and comfortably into my waiting palm...
Yes, these thoughts have seduced me all day, even now, they are invading my minds space while I write this. I have tried every way I know to keep the wolf at bay and it has been relentless, not taking the bait and leaving me be.
As the day has worn on, I can feel my resolve strengthening, but it is not solidified yet. I had an invite to go meet him for a drink...oh a drink, what a lovely thought...though I know what happened the last time I was not "right" in the head and lost it in public...he did not receive it so well.

and so it goes, and so it goes...