The Vow....

I recently watched a movie that had a wonderful wedding scene, where the two main characters were reading the vows that they had written for each other and they resonated deep inside my heart. For anyone that is a fan of Nicholas Sparks, his latest movie/book "The Vow" is worth watching. It is based on the real life story of a young married couple who copes with the wife's TBI and memory loss after a car accident. I thought it was very befitting of what most of us go through. Here are the vows:

Bride:

I vow to help you love life,

to always hold you with tenderness

and to have the patience that love demands.

To speak when words are needed

and to share the silence when words are not.

I will agree to disagree on red velvet cake

and to live within the warmth of your heart

and always call it home.

Groom:

I vow to love you fiercly,

in all your form,

now and forever.

I promise to never forget

that this is a once in a lifetime love,

and always know,

in the deepest part of my soul

that no matter what challenges

might carry us apart,

we'll always find our way back

to each other.

I have watched that movie over and over in the past week, taking more and more from it and crying at how closely it resembles the struggles that we are facing. I feel like I have lost the battle for his heart, for him. He is angry all the time and I never know what is going to set him off. In taking so much time caring for him, performing my job and being a friend, I have neglected to take care of myself. For all the care that I give, there is no one caring for me. I am only human, I do have a breaking point and I reached it the other day.

I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I need a break, need to recharge. My body is showing the signs of extreme stress and at this point I am no good to anyone, not even myself. I went to go meet him for a beer the other day, wanting simply to relax, to unwind my pent up mind...I had no idea that it was going to be me that had the bad day. The guys at the bar were joking with him about something so trivial, but it hit me just wrong and I lost it. Mind you, I would have had the same reaction had I dropped my keys, stubbed my toe, etc. It was simply the straw that broke the camels back. I felt myself losing it, grabbed my things and started to leave, with tears in my eyes, saying "I'm sorry, I can't do this". He tried to stop me and got pissed at me for my reaction, thinking that I was jealous of the situation they were joking about.

I sent him a text to explain when I got home, stating that what happened had absolutely nothing to do with him. I knew I shouldn't have gone out in the state that I was in, but I desperately wanted to relax and not think. I had no idea I was going to lose it the way I did. I apologized for embarrassing him (which apparently is a HUGE deal to him lately). When he got home he was still extremely angry, the only text that he got was "I'm sorry Jeff". When I showed him the rest of the text, it diffused the situation a little.

I have a hard time rationalizing that I am not allowed to have a bad day. I am expected to serve, care for and keep a smile on, respect privacy, not question anything and not react with emotion at anything. I am sorry, but I am human. I have my faults as well. As well as I manage to hold things together, sometimes I do have a bad day.

I went and got a massage today, to release some of the tension in my neck and the trigger point therapy that was done released everything. My therapist said everything that I was holding in was emotional. Not a huge surprise there, huh.

After taking care of myself and getting some much needed rest, I am much more rational and can think more clearly. Once again, being objective in the current situation. I find myself closing off, for self preservation, to keep myself from being wounded. I try to remember these things:

1. Everyday is a new day - good, bad or indifferent

2. I can't bring him back from the brink, I can only be here when he comes back.

3. Steel my heart against the ism's that are part of his psychosis

4. Forgive quickly and love deeply

5. Honesty is never wrong, no matter how much it may hurt.

6. There are more important things than my pride.

7. It may not be the lesson that I am meant to learn, but the compassion that I am meant to give.

8. HE brought me to it, HE will bring me through it.

9. In my darkest moments, HE is my light, my savior and my sanity.

10. This is my CHOICE to be here, it is MY VOW.

God please help me through another day, guiding me, my thoughts and my hearts to the greater good. Please help me to overcome my reservations and fear, to walk tall and confidently along the path you have set me on. To give the pain over to you when it is too much to take and to simply breathe when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I pray for healing, I pray for peace. I pray for you to touch his heart, to help heal his wounded soul, to bring him out of the trenches and into the present, to celibrate and enjoy life, without pain. I pray that you help us love deeply, forgive quickly, hold our tongues in anger and to always remember there is a greater plan that the troubles we face in the moment. I shall walk by faith, not by sight in all things.

Amen