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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Temptations

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it all by myself! I have been tested, pushed to the brink of my own resolve and I have stood my ground. With all that has happened lately, the doors and avenues opened in my own mind and way of thinking, the tests I have been faced with was the culmination. And I did not falter! For once in my life, I did not give into the temptation that always unhinges me. I've never said no, I've never turned the other cheek, never walked away. I've always given in. But not this time. Silly temptation, I know your game. I've played it my whole life. Hell, I've written the script. I can see you for what you are and what you are capable of doing...frankly my dear, I'm not interested.
Thanks for playing, have a nice day! We are done here!

It brought me to tears when I realized what I had done. I had defeated my greatest weakness, something I never thought possible. A moments lapse is not worth what I have found. This is so much better. So much more fulfilling. So greatful for the strength, presence of mind and faith to make the choice. =)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Paradigm Shift

I hear you calling to me, finally, I hear what you are telling me. It has taken many many years, but I finally hear. "You don't have to fight so hard against the world". I heard him say it to me and I fought him. I am constantly fighting, never settling. But what am I fighting against, really? Is it anything that is going to make a damn bit of difference when I leave this world? No, it isn't. Is it worth the headache, the misery, the malcontent that I feel during the fight? No, it isn't. Is it worth all that I've lost in pursuit of this win that I've been after for my entire life? No, it isn't.
So why am I still fighting? I started school to fight against my employer. I've made enemies of my co-workers because I fight their ideals. I'm about to lose love because I'm still fighting and it's starting to come against him as well.
Yes, I am a handful. To that, there is absolutely no question. But I don't need to be a handful in this instance. I do not need to fight against the world. I need to slow down and live within the world, love the life that I have and breathe, just breathe.
Ok God, I'm listening and I finally hear you. I don't have to fight. You made me strong, you made me smart, you made me full of life and love. Yes, I've been hurt by those nearest to me, which is why I've fought so hard for so long. But it has prepared me for where I'm at now. Now, it is time to be me and live, laugh, love with all of my heart. I pray the damage has not been too severe. You led me here, lead me through it please Lord.

Thank you for all of the blessings in my life.

Friday, August 5, 2011

You've got to have faith...or trust...it's a must

Trust, it is something I never do. Too many disappointments and broken promises in my life have created that little quirk in my personality. I don't trust anyone, not even God. I hate to say it, but it's true. Because having trust means you are relying on someone else to meet your expectations and in the real world, that rarely ever happens. If I don't trust, I don't get disappointed, I don't get hurt... I stay in control. (Or so the illusion that I have wrapped myself in leads me to believe)

Here is the irony of the situation though. My lack of trust does nothing but lead me to more hurt, more disappointment, more loneliness. Why? Because my neurotic self goes into overdrive when I don't trust and I build up mountains out of mole hills, or better yet, I create great divides where there wasn't even a crack to begin with. All in the name of self preservation...

So, here I sit, realizing this about myself and I am facing down this particular demon because I am tired of living this way..always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the door to slam, for my heart to get broken or for me to get left behind. I am going to trust. Yes, you heard it right, I'm going to trust.

I trust in God that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I trust in my partner when he isn't with me, I trust that he loves me for who I am and wants me as well. I trust my team to do what they believe is best at the time, the same as I do. I trust my management team to lead us in the right direction without my input.
I trust that in learning to let go, I will be happy.

As the cynic in me is rolling on the floor laughing, the trepedacious individual inside that is stepping forward and trying something new for the betterment of the whole babysteps, all the while repeating, I trust, I trust... For if I can not learn to trust others, how can I expect them to ever trust in me?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dear Grandpa

"Grandpa, tell me bout the good ole' days, when the line between right and wrong didn't seem so hazy" That song is running over and over in my mind as I am once again faced with mediocrity and sexism in the guise of professionalism. When I first started, I was a person, a very talented person that had worthy ideas and was going somewhere. Now, I am politely told over and over to "shut my mouth, we are not interested in any of your experience or ideas. You're a woman, learn your place". I'm sorry, those words have never set well with me and have a tendency to bring out my fighting side. All I feel now is anger, in a place that I used to find joy and satisfaction, there is nothing but disgust. I am so tired of fighting this fight, everywhere I go, I fight it. My ex told me once, you don't have to try so hard to fight the world. ....
Don't I? Have you ever once walked in my shoes? Have you ever wanted to be simply a person that was regarded for their character, their intelligence, their contribution? But was never seen as anything but their gender? Tell me that I don't have to fight, when that is all I do. If I don't fight, that means I settle for mediocrity and dismissal. It means I fade into the shadows and allow them to make me into nothing. THAT IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER DO!!

I am a fighter and I am tired, but I will never stop fighting. I am a PERSON! Damnit, see me for that, truly see me and you might learn something. Continue to dismiss me and you will always be less than you could be, because your mind is closed.

Songs keep running thru my head: You'll never be anything but mean; Rise Above This; Free.... and the list goes on.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Choices

Life is full of choices. Where to eat, to live, to work... What friends to have, to enter into a relationship or not, to have children or not? What you decide is ultimately up to you and your choices will define your existence. You can blame no other for the choices you make or for the consequences of those choices.

If you choose to enter into a relationship, will you lose yourself in that person or will you maintain your sense of self? Are you a trophy to be placed upon a pedestal? Or are you a prize to be won? Do you put your needs aside for the other person? Or do you hold onto yourself, your identity? Do you hide behind a veil of secrecy or adornment? Or do you remain the natural beauty that you are?

What do you do? What is your choice? What will define you?