I began writing about delicious decadence and all the joys of the last few days: the smooth creamy texture of the butter pecan ice cream; the sweet, crisp crunch of the maraschino cherries; and last night, the cool breeze across my naked skin, the soft texture of the sheep skin blanket creating a warm tomb of solidarity that was ensconced with vivid dreams of my deepest fears. While I spent several days in contented bliss, I read the words of a fellow "caretaker" and to my chagrin, all was lost in the dreams. Her words echoed my own pain and that of many others. My temporary reality was rocked again by the painful truth, the loneliness, the emptiness that we all feel. To be together, yet utterly alone. I allowed myself to slip into self-pity, feeling sorry for myself and the situation in which I find myself.
I am lonely. Too long has it been since I have felt the tender caress of my lover. To feel soft kisses, to hear I am beautiful. It has been too long since I have felt like a woman, since I have been made love to. I miss it. I miss the feeling of a tender touch, of a candlelit dance locked away in the security of our home, our private moments that are just for us. I miss him. My greatest fear is that our time will be cut short or worse yet, he will be better physically and forget me, allowing the restless spirit to take over and run again.
Today, I felt his eyes on me and there was a genuine contentment in them. He was watching me as I worked in the treeline, sitting there, smiling. It is times like these that I lock onto and hold with a ferocity very few understand. These are the moments that keep me going when things get really bad.
So, I am contented once again, despite the pain of my fellow suffers. I refuse to be stuck in self pity. I understand pain, I understand grieving, I understand loneliness. I have lived a thousand lives alone and am ok by myself. I can separate myself from the situation and from him. I will survive, with or without him. But I will never stray, no matter how lonely it gets. Like the lone wolf, I mate for life and I will stand alone forever more.