Happiness lost...

When did happiness get lost? Do you remember the exact moment that it slipped away? I can not recall when it went, but I know that it is gone. I am miserable and have no one but myself to blame. I have let the insecure, selfish actions of others dictate my existence. When did I become less of who I am and more of who I am not nor wish to ever be? I am not weak, I am not meager, I am not spiteful or mean, I am not jealous nor possessive...however neurotic I may be, lol. So how in the world do I get back to me and still live in this life that I have chosen? Stay tuned, maybe I will figure it out.

Absolutes and Ultimatums...

It has been a month since my last post. A month of ups and down and uncertainties, a month filled with fear and the unknown, and a month of relief. He went in for his first surgery on his neck and back. For the first time he was afraid of the outcome. As he put it, "I've been blown up, shot at and stared hell in the face, but nothing compares to this, not knowing how I'll come out on the other side or if I will at all." These were words he spoke to me as tears ran down both of our cheeks and we held each other, not wanting to speak of the possible outcome, but forced to acknowledge it anyway.
This man that I love, the one that I rarely see anymore, reached out and squeezed my hand as he was getting wheeled away to surgery. "See you soon", I whispered and kissed him goodbye, praying that this would not be the last time I saw him, that I would not be going back to our home alone.
Success!! The surgery went well and he was released later that day. The next week was filled with the usual, cranky and being a prick because he was in pain, but that I'm used to..so easy to take in stride. He stopped drinking because of the medication and was diligently trying to quit smoking, to the point that he no longer smokes inside, yay!!! So many small victories to celebrate :) and he could feel his arms and his hands again, something that he hasn't been able to do in 2 years. It was everything we had hoped for and more. He even noticed a change in the physical abilities of his body, that little twinkle returning to his eye and the flirtiness in his actions. Wow, is this really happening? Is it too good to be true? I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but it's almost hard not too.
Then the fear sets in again...we haven't had a physical relationship for a very long time, will this change our life, our connection? Will it make my fears about infidelity worse, because now I know he is physically capable of it? Too many questions and that little 'IF' is a damn foreboding word that can drive you to drink if you let it.
Then, without warning, he showed up...who you may ask? Why him, I tell you, the man that I love, he showed up out of no where. He was caring and compassionate, he was affectionate and fun to be around, he was home again, after having been gone for so long. I was so happy to have him back, especially since my disabilities have gone into overdrive and it is I that need the caregiver for a change. Things were absolutely perfect again for the last couple of weeks. I was so happy...
And then, the walls came crashing down yet again. I had been blinded by my happiness, even though the signs were there, I chose to ignore them and got hit square between the eyes...
The drinking had steadily progressed again, since he stopped taking the pain meds. It is in moderation, but is still increasing at a rate that is more a "need" than just a "man that tastes good, I think I'll  have another" type of thing. He is able to drive again, so has no regulation by me on his movements...so he went out, around town and did what he used to do, stopped by and had a couple beers to reconnect with everyone. I could tell when he got home, the words were already slurring. Yet, I didn't say anything. We sat on the deck and he had 2 more. Yep, "here we go again" I kept thinking to myself. He is repeating himself, retelling things over and over...yep, here we go. His loving caresses have turned into the grabby man again, he is texting and chatting it up again..I actually caught him doing it without even trying. Then I get the "I know the flirting bothers you, but you're the one I want, you're the one I come home to...You are my everything, you know that, don't you? I hope you know that." And the lies have started again. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do...the lies would be easier to swallow without such a bitter aftertaste.

He fixed dinner, kept visiting me in the office...kissing on my neck, playing with the dogs..He's hiding again, hiding in plain sight and feeling guilty because I caught him (though these are things that he will never admit too)...then I did it, I opened my mouth (because in the past month, I've been able to talk to him without fearing the blow-up) and told him jokingly, "Ya know, I think I liked it when you were drinking less." and that was it. That set the whole raging roller coaster into motion yet again. He blew up at me and stomped out of the room..saying "well pardon me for having a few beers and some milks, maybe if I crash into a damn building then everyone will be happy." "Just leave me alone, it's obvious that you have a problem with me." All this followed by the glares and the hateful tones. So I tried to explain it to him, that I wasn't chastising him, nor judging him. I was happy he wasn't drinking as much because that meant he wasn't in pain like he used to be. I know that he smokes more when he drinks and it was counterproductive to the progress he had made. These pleas got ignored and he fell asleep on the couch...Yep, here we go again.

As he went outside for his last cigarette, before ignoring me and going to bed, I approached the subject one last time. "Babe, your drinking used to be a barometer of how you were doing, how much pain you were in or how bad the memories / dreams / flashbacks were. I could gauge how you were doing that way, since you rarely talk to me about it when you are closed off and hurting. But since the surgery, you evened out. And yes, to tell the truth, I liked it when you drank less. To me, that meant you were in less pain, that you were suffering less. It meant you were happier than you've been in a long time and you were "here", not just physically, but all of you. I missed you terribly and you were finally here. I was so happy and the house was calm again. So yes, when I noticed the drinking increase, I knew it was slipping away. I hoped saying something would keep you here, but now I know I was wrong." And with that, I kissed him on the temple, told him I loved him and walked back inside.
He proceeded to go to bed without speaking to me, something he hasn't done in this past month. I walked in later and kissed his head, rubbed his side and told him "sleep well, I love you" and walked out of the room.

Then, in the silent darkness of the night, I stepped out on the back porch and lost it. I cried like I had just lost my best friend without warning. The sobs shook my body, feeling the pain of the loss down to my very core. I knew it was coming, I saw the signs, but I didn't acknowledge them...and this is what was left. As I bawled my eyes out to my mom. Everything was so perfect, we were so happy and just like that, it was gone again.

I miss him. I want him back. I want our life back....

I miss him....

Delicious Decadence

I began writing about delicious decadence and all the joys of the last few days: the smooth creamy texture of the butter pecan ice cream; the sweet, crisp crunch of the maraschino cherries; and last night, the cool breeze across my naked skin, the soft texture of the sheep skin blanket creating a warm tomb of solidarity that was ensconced with vivid dreams of my deepest fears. While I spent several days in contented bliss, I read the words of a fellow "caretaker" and to my chagrin, all was lost in the dreams. Her words echoed my own pain and that of many others. My temporary reality was rocked again by the painful truth, the loneliness, the emptiness that we all feel. To be together, yet utterly alone. I allowed myself to slip into self-pity, feeling sorry for myself and the situation in which I find myself.
I am lonely. Too long has it been since I have felt the tender caress of my lover. To feel soft kisses, to hear I am beautiful. It has been too long since I have felt like a woman, since I have been made love to. I miss it. I miss the feeling of a tender touch, of a candlelit dance locked away in the security of our home, our private moments that are just for us. I miss him. My greatest fear  is that our time will be cut short or worse yet, he will be better physically and forget me, allowing the restless spirit to take over and run again.
Today, I felt his eyes on me and there was a genuine contentment in them. He was watching me as I worked in the treeline, sitting there, smiling. It is times like these that I lock onto and hold with a ferocity very few understand. These are the moments that keep me going when things get really bad.
So, I am contented once again, despite the pain of my fellow suffers. I refuse to be stuck in self pity. I understand pain, I understand grieving, I understand loneliness. I have lived a thousand lives alone and am ok by myself. I can separate myself from the situation and from him. I will survive, with or without him. But I will never stray, no matter how lonely it gets. Like the lone wolf, I mate for life and I will stand alone forever more.

How much can I stand?

How much more am I willing to stand? How many more lies, deceptions and hidden secrets am I willing to accept as part of a condition? When does it become too much?

Love, real love, endures. It stands the test of time, human faults and everything in between. It is not jealous, it is not possessive. It is patient, it is kind, it is strong and unyielding.

I am learning that lesson, every single day, every moment. I am changing, I am going through a metamorphosis. I have never felt like an adult, always felt like a child trapped inside an aging body. Though my soul was much older than my physical being, my heart was innocent and child like. Perhaps because of the things I endured as a child, I was locked in that state of mind. But I find myself blossoming and growing, truly finding out what the meaning of love and commitment really are.

I have transcended the levels he is at, been there done that so to speak. It is not time to be demanding, it is not time to be possessive or jealous. It is within me to withstand the non-sensical motions of past traumas to lead to a better future.

So, to answer my own question...How much more am I willing to or able to stand?

As much as it takes.

Roller Coaster Ride...

This roller coaster ride of emotions is driving me crazy. I am angry tonight, for no particular reason at all. Perhaps it is because my hands hurt from using the lotion I do to give him his massages to help him sleep. Perhaps it is from the comment of "Well, my everything hurts all the time so I don't have any sympathy for you". Well excuse the hell out of me while I torture myself to help you find even one iota of comfort!

I am not all about the martyrdom here. I care deeply for this man, I hate to see him in pain, I choose to do what I can to make it better even if it is only temporary. But damn it, enough is frickin enough! I understand you are in pain, I get it, I live with my own injuries every single day. I fight against it to get out of bed some days. And I push it aside to take care of you. There are days when I can't and by some miracle, you aren't a huge prick and make me feel better. I love you dearly for that, because I empathize with what you have to deal with.

I don't know if the pressure, the pain, the uncertainty of it all has got you so wrapped up that you can't see past your own circumstances? If that is the case, I can understand that. I get the PTSD, I get it baby, I really do. More than you know. All the books I read, all the research that I do, it isn't so I can understand what you went through. There is no way in the world I could even come close to fathoming what you have experienced. I am just trying to understand the disorder, beyond my own experience.

Thank you for opening up to me, for baring your tormented soul to show me bits and pieces of what you lived through. Thank you for trusting me enough to lean on me. When you curled up next to me and fell asleep with your head on my shoulder, I felt you here again. You weren't gone in your mind, you were here. You let me be strong for you while you grieved. Much more so than last year. Time is a healer of all wounds, it is a builder of bridges, of trust and of love. I am not your architect, I am your engineer. You show me the path that will help you achieve what you need and I will do what I can to make it so.

The roller coaster is part of the ride, and for now, my little rant is over.

Missing You...

Dear Love,

I missed you today, I missed you yesterday. I have missed you everyday since you went away. My heart breaks silently wishing for your return. I don't know where you went or why you stay so far away, I only pray for your return. It is so lonely here, so bland. Life lacks color and vibrancy without your presence. I hold you in my heart, the way I remember you, full of life, full of love for me, where I never doubted you or our future. That is all I have to hold onto. Everything is so uncertain, so confusing, so sad. I am tired, am literally exhausted with this torment that I call life. It is time for a change, a change only I can make. I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye to what I had hoped for, for what I imagined and got carried away with in my mind. I have to grab hold tightly to the reality and make the best of what I have been given. Perhaps, that is a better future anyway, something real, something genuine, something tangible..not a fairytale that can never come true.

So, my dear love, I bid you a final aideu, tip my hat and walk away. I fair thee well.

Always,
My Heart

Knowledge is Power

It is often said that knowledge is power, the more you know the better you are. I am a firm believer in this concept and have pursued it adamantly since I was a child. According to my mother, I would spend my summers frantically studying for the next grade afraid that I wouldn't know anything about the grade I was going into. I have always been an advocate for learning, for expanding my mind, my base, my character. And when the subject is foreign to me, I throw myself into research, to better equip myself against the greater unknown. This is my driving force, it is an innate part of my being. Ask anyone and they will tell you, most undoubtedly, how terribly annoying my search for knowledge and my tireless questions and analysis will drive most sane people to the brink.

Unfortunately, during my quests, I may lose site of my original objective and make the focus of my research into a project instead of a person. That is where I currently find myself. I fear that I am turning you into a project, something that needs to be solved or fixed. I have to remind myself that you are a person, no matter how broken or lost you may be, or I may be for that matter, we are not projects. I am not here to fix you. I am here to love you, to support you and stand by your side through it all.

I delve into knowledge to better understand your disorder, which has given me greater understanding of my own. It is allowing me to see past the hurt, the bitterness, the anger and to see you through it all once again.