Nocturnal Drifter

So, here I sit amid the darkness, alone still even in an occupied house. The sounds of slumber resonates from the bedroom where my partner dreams. I took peace for a short while, laying next to him, listening the rythmic sound of his breathing..still not enough to lull me to sleep.
There is an uncomfortable distance between us again, perhaps it is just me. He is in another phase of "coping" or decompressing as he calls it. After a brief response, the walls have gone back up. So again, I'm wondering if it is just me placing boundaries where there are none. I'm not sure, but it is different.

I am so tired lately and not much fun. I wonder if he is bored with me? He does not want much physical contact, not even cuddling, like he did before. Granted it's been about 2 weeks since I've been able to lay down with him, perhaps that is the wall that is between us. It feels like it did back in Whidbey, when a forced month of seperation built a wall that was too strong to knock down and I was left in the dust.

I don't know what to do. Feel like I should leave, make him miss me, make me miss him. Its too soon to be "comfortable" to the point of boredom, isn't it? If it is that, then it is what I suspected from the beginning. Blow into my life for a short spell, then back out again. Though the things that he has done to assure me that isn't the case are pretty profound, but everything is subject to interpretation and change. Whatever that may be.

After 3 days of not hurting terribly bad, my leg is numb again... I attribute that to sleeping for 16 hours. Yet, here I am, writing this instead of focusing on my homework that has been neglected due to my exhaustion and need for rest.

I get the feeling of disapproval when I take time off of work. Kind of like, you just pulled a 16 which is effectively 8 more hours of overtime on your check, but you call out (which renders another 8 hours of pay for half the amount)...what was the point in killing yourself for the overtime??
I did not do it for the money, I did it because my team needed me. Sometimes you have to take one for the team without any reward. The only benefit to this particular exchange of hours, is me being able to take an extra day for myself without losing money for it. I actually gain 8 hrs of pay and an extra day off, so it's a decent trade off. Atleast in my eyes. I don't think it is viewed that way in others, not that I care. They don't have to live my life, I do. And damnit, I'm tired.

So here I shall sit and ponder as the night drags on. Perhaps I will join him again for a short spell before he has to go to work.

Au revoir