Fear

Do I dare voice the fears that plague me? Do I give them life? Or does merely thinking them give them power?
I appear calm and confident on the outside, but on the inside a ceaseless battle rages on. My paranoia and insecurity threaten to suffocate me and turn my stomach. They creep in on my rational mind, taking over and laying their tumultous foundation, rocking my happy mind into a fearful frenzy.
There is no happy ending here. There can't be, can there? I mean, look what happened last time...Don't I know better, once bitten twice shy as they say...
Or is it fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But there was no fooling the first time. I don't believe there is fooling this time. But there is no happy ending (whatever that may be, I don't have the slightest clue).
But for now, there is contentment. There is companionship. There is respect and caring...
The missing parts, the parts that drive my mind into this fearful frenzy, are the ones that have ruled every relationship I've ever had. I am on foreign ground and do not know how to react. This is not a physical relationship and my entire existence has been physical. It's messing with my psyche and my esteem. But it is exactly where I need to be and where I have been working so hard to get to. I suppose this is the last hurdle for me to overcome, actually putting into practice what I have tried so hard to become.
I find I lack the strength to put that physical side to rest, because I am an intimate, passionate person. I enjoy physical contact...
This is where I tell myself to get over myself. He pursued me, he came back into my life, he desires me. So why is that not a part of our relationship...
He has explained it to me and I understand...but that old piece of me, the one that has been defined by physicality, is barking at the door threatening to unhinge me.

HOLD YOUR TONGUE YOU OLD DOG< THIS IS NOT YOUR PLACE ANYMORE>MY LIFE IS NOT DEFINED NOR CONTROLLED BY YOU< I AM FREE AND I WILL MAKE MY WAY WITHOUT BEING A SLAVE TO YOU...