Who Are They?!!!

Who are they? Who are they to dictate to me, to you, to anyone for that matter? I mean seriously, Who the Fuck are they?!!!
In my eyes, they are no one. They are nothing more than the sorry oppressors I have fought against my entire life. They are the meak, the meager, the belittling few that must push their will on everyone else in order to feel relevance in this life. I have no patience, no tolerance for that kind of drama in my life.
Do they not know the fire they are playing with? Are they not aware of the danger they are envoking? I dare say they do not. You don't know me from Adam, son and you are about to find out why he loves me so innately as I do him. We are similar creatures, yet you try to impose your will upon us. It will come back to bit you my child, in a most violent way.
I am no jellyfish, I am no wallflower. I will never stand idly by and allow someone to dictate to me the direction of my life or the definition of my character within this arena. Who I am speaks loudly in my actions and the way I treat others. If you do not "approve" of me and my choices or the words I use to define myself, that is on you my friend, that is on you. As I have stated, you don't know me from Adam.
You don't know the girl that was beaten, bruised and abused. You don't know the woman that fought for everything she is and has in this life. You don't know the survivor that will stand toe to toe with you, without fear or reservation in her eye, daring you to walk the line you have so ostentasiously laid in front of you.
There is no man on this earth that I fear and there is no man that I will cower in fear from or back down from. There is one that I conceded to, out of respect and love, and that is all.
Don't for one minute, under estimate my resolve, my tenor, my strength. It will be your biggest mistake.

You had an inkling of respect, for a brief interlude...that moment is quickly slipping away. I feel nothing but pity and an ever growing contempt for you.

Seeds of Doubt

Seeds of doubt, once planted, can not be revoked. The damage is already done. They are a cancer that spreads uncontrolled though the rational mind, destroying foundations that were shaky to begin with. For one that is already fearful, suspicious and overly cautious, a single seed of doubt, no matter how ludicrous, can crumble a strong foundation.

Even with a word that is strong as the individual that has spoken them, reassuring and confident, that little cancerous seed wraps its vines around the base, spreading and widening the cracks that she desperately tries to fill in with logic and what she knows to be true. DAMN YOU!! Thank you for rocking my existence, making me doubt myself, my intuition, my heart. I hope the retribution that you have received causes you an exemplified magnitude of the hell you put me through with your careless and selfish words.

Fear and doubt shall not rule me, logic and love will persevere.

"No More Drama"

All I want is a drama free existence, is that too much to ask. I was fine on my own, though lonely and depressed. I was happy here for awhile, until this started. All I want is a little piece of land, my animals and the love of my life...to live in peace. Is that too much to ask? Really, is it?

Beautifully Broken

Beautifully broken, forever scared... Do these traits negate someone the right to love, to acceptance? The hardened street dog that snaps at frightened passersby, does he deserve a life of solitude because his bite is as bad as his bark? The semi-neurotic, angry, bitter woman, who's scars are much deeper than anyone can tell hidden behind the dangerous flash in her electric green eyes, is she destined for loneliness? Or the violent, terminally homicidal soldier who thrashes in his sleep, fighting an unknown enemy, is he forever lost in a world of death?
These are our reality, our family. We are beautifully broken, hardened by the world around us, the one we have survived and lived in, now finding refuge and solitude within the embrace of each other. The love is pure, the loyalty is deep, there is no fear between us as we all know where the other has been. Sure, the landscapes may have been different, but the trauma has had the same effect.
The pup, tossed back again and again, forced to wander the streets. The woman, tossed to the wayside, over looked, consumed, abused and beaten, forced to fight for her own survival. The soldier, constantly in survival mode, living again and again in wars, fighting for his own survival and that of his brothers.
I would give none of them up, would give my life for them, sparing no cost for their happiness and peace. And they would do the same for me.

To see the tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of his terrors causing me pain, broke my heart. I wish I knew how to help, I have no words to comfort. Only empathy in my eyes, strength in my arms and heart and pride in my being..this is what I offer. I have fallen irrevocably in love with this man, there is no turning back, no second choice. He is the love of my life. This is my family. For better or worse. Beautifully broken and irreplaceable.

Temptations

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it all by myself! I have been tested, pushed to the brink of my own resolve and I have stood my ground. With all that has happened lately, the doors and avenues opened in my own mind and way of thinking, the tests I have been faced with was the culmination. And I did not falter! For once in my life, I did not give into the temptation that always unhinges me. I've never said no, I've never turned the other cheek, never walked away. I've always given in. But not this time. Silly temptation, I know your game. I've played it my whole life. Hell, I've written the script. I can see you for what you are and what you are capable of doing...frankly my dear, I'm not interested.
Thanks for playing, have a nice day! We are done here!

It brought me to tears when I realized what I had done. I had defeated my greatest weakness, something I never thought possible. A moments lapse is not worth what I have found. This is so much better. So much more fulfilling. So greatful for the strength, presence of mind and faith to make the choice. =)

Paradigm Shift

I hear you calling to me, finally, I hear what you are telling me. It has taken many many years, but I finally hear. "You don't have to fight so hard against the world". I heard him say it to me and I fought him. I am constantly fighting, never settling. But what am I fighting against, really? Is it anything that is going to make a damn bit of difference when I leave this world? No, it isn't. Is it worth the headache, the misery, the malcontent that I feel during the fight? No, it isn't. Is it worth all that I've lost in pursuit of this win that I've been after for my entire life? No, it isn't.
So why am I still fighting? I started school to fight against my employer. I've made enemies of my co-workers because I fight their ideals. I'm about to lose love because I'm still fighting and it's starting to come against him as well.
Yes, I am a handful. To that, there is absolutely no question. But I don't need to be a handful in this instance. I do not need to fight against the world. I need to slow down and live within the world, love the life that I have and breathe, just breathe.
Ok God, I'm listening and I finally hear you. I don't have to fight. You made me strong, you made me smart, you made me full of life and love. Yes, I've been hurt by those nearest to me, which is why I've fought so hard for so long. But it has prepared me for where I'm at now. Now, it is time to be me and live, laugh, love with all of my heart. I pray the damage has not been too severe. You led me here, lead me through it please Lord.

Thank you for all of the blessings in my life.

You've got to have faith...or trust...it's a must

Trust, it is something I never do. Too many disappointments and broken promises in my life have created that little quirk in my personality. I don't trust anyone, not even God. I hate to say it, but it's true. Because having trust means you are relying on someone else to meet your expectations and in the real world, that rarely ever happens. If I don't trust, I don't get disappointed, I don't get hurt... I stay in control. (Or so the illusion that I have wrapped myself in leads me to believe)

Here is the irony of the situation though. My lack of trust does nothing but lead me to more hurt, more disappointment, more loneliness. Why? Because my neurotic self goes into overdrive when I don't trust and I build up mountains out of mole hills, or better yet, I create great divides where there wasn't even a crack to begin with. All in the name of self preservation...

So, here I sit, realizing this about myself and I am facing down this particular demon because I am tired of living this way..always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the door to slam, for my heart to get broken or for me to get left behind. I am going to trust. Yes, you heard it right, I'm going to trust.

I trust in God that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I trust in my partner when he isn't with me, I trust that he loves me for who I am and wants me as well. I trust my team to do what they believe is best at the time, the same as I do. I trust my management team to lead us in the right direction without my input.
I trust that in learning to let go, I will be happy.

As the cynic in me is rolling on the floor laughing, the trepedacious individual inside that is stepping forward and trying something new for the betterment of the whole babysteps, all the while repeating, I trust, I trust... For if I can not learn to trust others, how can I expect them to ever trust in me?