Demons

Demons can surface at any time. No matter how many you think you've faced, defeated, overcome, there is still that straggler that hides in the shadows, pouncing on you at the most inopportune times. One such demon has unleashed it's poison upon my psyche, yielding a deafening blow and bringing me to tears, core and confidence shaken.

How does one, that has been blessed with a body to die for most of her life, go from being coveted, to undesired? A body that brought nothing but pain and suffering, has now been replaced with a softer, rounder version. The curves are still there, just not as well defined, having been hidden by a few layers of padding. She still gets the looks every now and then, mostly for her breasts or her "come hither eyes" or pouty, full lips...but not much more than that.
She has been beat down, degraded, embarrassed by those closest to her. Yet her own image, her own criticism is much worse than any of theirs could ever be. How can you expect someone else to love or desire, what you loathe yourself? And the worst part being, she has tried and tried and tried to get back to the physical beauty that she used to be and she can't even come close to obtaining it. There is always an injury, always a set back. She is now physically unable to push herself to the strength phase. Why are you doing this, she asks God over and over? Is this how you see me? Is this how you wish me to be? I have finally found the love you intended for me, the one I have desired..who loves me for who I am, heart and soul to the core. But don't you want me to be loved for all that I am? He tells her she is beautiful, even being bigger. He has always known she was bigger and still he wanted her. But he also tells her that her weight is a minuscule part of why the physical part of their relationship is not there.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? PLEASE SHOW ME, HELP ME THROUGH THIS.... BECAUSE I AM STRUGGLING GOD, I AM AT THE BASE OF SELF LOATHING, UNABLE TO SEE THE WONDERFUL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE THAT YOU HAVE PLACED IN FRONT OF ME, SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN BY ALL OF IT BEFORE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE LOVED WITHOUT BEING DESIRED, WITHOUT POSSESSION, WITHOUT TOTAL CONSUMPTION....PLEASE HELP ME.