Commitment

Commitment is a funny thing. It can exist without being demanded. It gives a level of permanence, of solidity and most generally, can scare the living crap out of most adult males. All be it I am not of the male persuasion, I can lump myself into that category. Things have been going swimmingly, our time together is relaxed and fulfilling, we are committed to one another on a "gray" level...not that we would admit it to the rest of the world. Affections are given freely, intimate sentiments are given privately and not uttered to the rest of the world; a future, a warmth is building, but where does it lead? Is this where my over analytical self kicks into overdrive and threatens to un-do this comfortable existence?
We are both planning futures that do not "include" each other, but they don't  exclude each other either. We are "building a life" as you put it. And I'm good with that.
Until that idea of permanence creeps in. You built me furniture and gave me an office. I didn't realize we were there yet. I about hyperventilated when you did that. I am the queen of commitaphobes. As I said, I like being with you because you're more screwed up than I am and it makes me look normal! Ha!! Thank you for bringing me back down to earth and showing me that we aren't there yet. You made my heart beat normally and breathing resumed. Furniture and office are practical applications that allow me to be near you and still do my job, given my schedule. Any other thought of permanence is too much right now. There is a small basket of things in the bathroom, but that is much like the office..it is practical. There is no space in the closet or the dresser for my things. That is too much to give, take, whatever; it is too much. Thank you for that. I felt myself shutting down and looking for the nearest exit to run to. I am going home soon and I don't know when I'll be back. I need to breathe, to connect with me and disconnect from you, where I am safe and in control. When the ache of being away from you gets to be too much to bear, I will be back. I don't like being away from you, but I need to regain my perspective.

J'taime Mon Cheri...