My Immortal Beloved (stolen from Beethoven)

Though still in my bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us. I can live only wholly with you or not at all. Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits. Yes, unhappily it must be so. You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart, never, never. Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life. Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men. At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day, therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once. Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Be calm, love me, today, yesterday, what tearful longings for you. You, you, my life, my all, farewell. Oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Trust...

Trust is the foundation upon which great things are built..it is also the disillusionment that will rip your very soul from your being, leaving you quivering on the floor, a helpless and hapless excuse for what used to be a beautiful life.

Longing...

I am consumed with thoughts of you. I can not escape them. They take me over in my sleep, they invade my daydreams. I want you in ways that I can not express, but am consoled to hold that longing deep within while it eats away at my resolve. No longer do I have to close my eyes to feel the silkenness of your touch on my skin. The hair along my arm stands on end at the simple thought of it. I long to feel the heat of your kiss, to taste the sweetness of your tongue as it caresses my own...melding my body into yours, burning with a desire that transcends time and space.
It has been far too long since we have felt each other, since we have been one. It is painful, too much to put into words. We avoid it because we can not have it, but oh, my love, if our minds brought to light the true connection of our beings, we would burst into flame at the slightest touch.
I can not have you, can not be one with you...so I strengthen my resolve to be content with the slightest touch, that burns my very soul.

My love, my life, my soul...forever am I yours.

Thinking Out Loud

Several things have occurred to me lately, that had not done so before. For instance, what is family to me? I used to believe it was blood, oh so very very long ago. Then I believed it was friends....Now I find myself somewhere in the middle, believing that family is what you make it and who you choose to surround yourself with. Blood is simply an entity that fills human beings and makes life possible, it does not create an unbreakable bond between individuals anymore than the same last name does. My family, as it were, consists of my boyfriend, my dogs, my immediate family and a handful of old friends. I joined part of a mc support club to join my boyfriend, but am never included in the activities due to my work schedule. This is what they call family? Pretty jacked up version, very close to my blood relatives that I have nothing to do with. Granted, I can rarely make it, so I understand being forgotten; but if you let me know what is going on, I can possibly make arrangements to join in, instead of being excluded. It totally sucks! And they call this a sisterhood? Do they even have a clue what that means? Apparently not. C'est la vie! No love lost, just lost time with my boyfriend who is always gone due to this conglomerant that I am slowly starting to detest. I understand why he needs it, but I don't. I need him, my home and my faith. I'm okay with that. I can't join him most of the time due to work and my physical limitations do not allow me to join him even when I'm not working. He has tried to include me and I love him for that, but it has turned into one more thing that we can't have together. I'm starting to wonder what is left????

Who Are They?!!!

Who are they? Who are they to dictate to me, to you, to anyone for that matter? I mean seriously, Who the Fuck are they?!!!
In my eyes, they are no one. They are nothing more than the sorry oppressors I have fought against my entire life. They are the meak, the meager, the belittling few that must push their will on everyone else in order to feel relevance in this life. I have no patience, no tolerance for that kind of drama in my life.
Do they not know the fire they are playing with? Are they not aware of the danger they are envoking? I dare say they do not. You don't know me from Adam, son and you are about to find out why he loves me so innately as I do him. We are similar creatures, yet you try to impose your will upon us. It will come back to bit you my child, in a most violent way.
I am no jellyfish, I am no wallflower. I will never stand idly by and allow someone to dictate to me the direction of my life or the definition of my character within this arena. Who I am speaks loudly in my actions and the way I treat others. If you do not "approve" of me and my choices or the words I use to define myself, that is on you my friend, that is on you. As I have stated, you don't know me from Adam.
You don't know the girl that was beaten, bruised and abused. You don't know the woman that fought for everything she is and has in this life. You don't know the survivor that will stand toe to toe with you, without fear or reservation in her eye, daring you to walk the line you have so ostentasiously laid in front of you.
There is no man on this earth that I fear and there is no man that I will cower in fear from or back down from. There is one that I conceded to, out of respect and love, and that is all.
Don't for one minute, under estimate my resolve, my tenor, my strength. It will be your biggest mistake.

You had an inkling of respect, for a brief interlude...that moment is quickly slipping away. I feel nothing but pity and an ever growing contempt for you.

Seeds of Doubt

Seeds of doubt, once planted, can not be revoked. The damage is already done. They are a cancer that spreads uncontrolled though the rational mind, destroying foundations that were shaky to begin with. For one that is already fearful, suspicious and overly cautious, a single seed of doubt, no matter how ludicrous, can crumble a strong foundation.

Even with a word that is strong as the individual that has spoken them, reassuring and confident, that little cancerous seed wraps its vines around the base, spreading and widening the cracks that she desperately tries to fill in with logic and what she knows to be true. DAMN YOU!! Thank you for rocking my existence, making me doubt myself, my intuition, my heart. I hope the retribution that you have received causes you an exemplified magnitude of the hell you put me through with your careless and selfish words.

Fear and doubt shall not rule me, logic and love will persevere.

"No More Drama"

All I want is a drama free existence, is that too much to ask. I was fine on my own, though lonely and depressed. I was happy here for awhile, until this started. All I want is a little piece of land, my animals and the love of my life...to live in peace. Is that too much to ask? Really, is it?

Beautifully Broken

Beautifully broken, forever scared... Do these traits negate someone the right to love, to acceptance? The hardened street dog that snaps at frightened passersby, does he deserve a life of solitude because his bite is as bad as his bark? The semi-neurotic, angry, bitter woman, who's scars are much deeper than anyone can tell hidden behind the dangerous flash in her electric green eyes, is she destined for loneliness? Or the violent, terminally homicidal soldier who thrashes in his sleep, fighting an unknown enemy, is he forever lost in a world of death?
These are our reality, our family. We are beautifully broken, hardened by the world around us, the one we have survived and lived in, now finding refuge and solitude within the embrace of each other. The love is pure, the loyalty is deep, there is no fear between us as we all know where the other has been. Sure, the landscapes may have been different, but the trauma has had the same effect.
The pup, tossed back again and again, forced to wander the streets. The woman, tossed to the wayside, over looked, consumed, abused and beaten, forced to fight for her own survival. The soldier, constantly in survival mode, living again and again in wars, fighting for his own survival and that of his brothers.
I would give none of them up, would give my life for them, sparing no cost for their happiness and peace. And they would do the same for me.

To see the tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of his terrors causing me pain, broke my heart. I wish I knew how to help, I have no words to comfort. Only empathy in my eyes, strength in my arms and heart and pride in my being..this is what I offer. I have fallen irrevocably in love with this man, there is no turning back, no second choice. He is the love of my life. This is my family. For better or worse. Beautifully broken and irreplaceable.

Temptations

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it all by myself! I have been tested, pushed to the brink of my own resolve and I have stood my ground. With all that has happened lately, the doors and avenues opened in my own mind and way of thinking, the tests I have been faced with was the culmination. And I did not falter! For once in my life, I did not give into the temptation that always unhinges me. I've never said no, I've never turned the other cheek, never walked away. I've always given in. But not this time. Silly temptation, I know your game. I've played it my whole life. Hell, I've written the script. I can see you for what you are and what you are capable of doing...frankly my dear, I'm not interested.
Thanks for playing, have a nice day! We are done here!

It brought me to tears when I realized what I had done. I had defeated my greatest weakness, something I never thought possible. A moments lapse is not worth what I have found. This is so much better. So much more fulfilling. So greatful for the strength, presence of mind and faith to make the choice. =)

Paradigm Shift

I hear you calling to me, finally, I hear what you are telling me. It has taken many many years, but I finally hear. "You don't have to fight so hard against the world". I heard him say it to me and I fought him. I am constantly fighting, never settling. But what am I fighting against, really? Is it anything that is going to make a damn bit of difference when I leave this world? No, it isn't. Is it worth the headache, the misery, the malcontent that I feel during the fight? No, it isn't. Is it worth all that I've lost in pursuit of this win that I've been after for my entire life? No, it isn't.
So why am I still fighting? I started school to fight against my employer. I've made enemies of my co-workers because I fight their ideals. I'm about to lose love because I'm still fighting and it's starting to come against him as well.
Yes, I am a handful. To that, there is absolutely no question. But I don't need to be a handful in this instance. I do not need to fight against the world. I need to slow down and live within the world, love the life that I have and breathe, just breathe.
Ok God, I'm listening and I finally hear you. I don't have to fight. You made me strong, you made me smart, you made me full of life and love. Yes, I've been hurt by those nearest to me, which is why I've fought so hard for so long. But it has prepared me for where I'm at now. Now, it is time to be me and live, laugh, love with all of my heart. I pray the damage has not been too severe. You led me here, lead me through it please Lord.

Thank you for all of the blessings in my life.

You've got to have faith...or trust...it's a must

Trust, it is something I never do. Too many disappointments and broken promises in my life have created that little quirk in my personality. I don't trust anyone, not even God. I hate to say it, but it's true. Because having trust means you are relying on someone else to meet your expectations and in the real world, that rarely ever happens. If I don't trust, I don't get disappointed, I don't get hurt... I stay in control. (Or so the illusion that I have wrapped myself in leads me to believe)

Here is the irony of the situation though. My lack of trust does nothing but lead me to more hurt, more disappointment, more loneliness. Why? Because my neurotic self goes into overdrive when I don't trust and I build up mountains out of mole hills, or better yet, I create great divides where there wasn't even a crack to begin with. All in the name of self preservation...

So, here I sit, realizing this about myself and I am facing down this particular demon because I am tired of living this way..always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the door to slam, for my heart to get broken or for me to get left behind. I am going to trust. Yes, you heard it right, I'm going to trust.

I trust in God that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I trust in my partner when he isn't with me, I trust that he loves me for who I am and wants me as well. I trust my team to do what they believe is best at the time, the same as I do. I trust my management team to lead us in the right direction without my input.
I trust that in learning to let go, I will be happy.

As the cynic in me is rolling on the floor laughing, the trepedacious individual inside that is stepping forward and trying something new for the betterment of the whole babysteps, all the while repeating, I trust, I trust... For if I can not learn to trust others, how can I expect them to ever trust in me?

Dear Grandpa

"Grandpa, tell me bout the good ole' days, when the line between right and wrong didn't seem so hazy" That song is running over and over in my mind as I am once again faced with mediocrity and sexism in the guise of professionalism. When I first started, I was a person, a very talented person that had worthy ideas and was going somewhere. Now, I am politely told over and over to "shut my mouth, we are not interested in any of your experience or ideas. You're a woman, learn your place". I'm sorry, those words have never set well with me and have a tendency to bring out my fighting side. All I feel now is anger, in a place that I used to find joy and satisfaction, there is nothing but disgust. I am so tired of fighting this fight, everywhere I go, I fight it. My ex told me once, you don't have to try so hard to fight the world. ....
Don't I? Have you ever once walked in my shoes? Have you ever wanted to be simply a person that was regarded for their character, their intelligence, their contribution? But was never seen as anything but their gender? Tell me that I don't have to fight, when that is all I do. If I don't fight, that means I settle for mediocrity and dismissal. It means I fade into the shadows and allow them to make me into nothing. THAT IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER DO!!

I am a fighter and I am tired, but I will never stop fighting. I am a PERSON! Damnit, see me for that, truly see me and you might learn something. Continue to dismiss me and you will always be less than you could be, because your mind is closed.

Songs keep running thru my head: You'll never be anything but mean; Rise Above This; Free.... and the list goes on.

Choices

Life is full of choices. Where to eat, to live, to work... What friends to have, to enter into a relationship or not, to have children or not? What you decide is ultimately up to you and your choices will define your existence. You can blame no other for the choices you make or for the consequences of those choices.

If you choose to enter into a relationship, will you lose yourself in that person or will you maintain your sense of self? Are you a trophy to be placed upon a pedestal? Or are you a prize to be won? Do you put your needs aside for the other person? Or do you hold onto yourself, your identity? Do you hide behind a veil of secrecy or adornment? Or do you remain the natural beauty that you are?

What do you do? What is your choice? What will define you?

A Life Less Ordinary

A life less ordinary is filled with the little trivial things that won't matter when this life ends, but they are what makes the days until that time so utterly worth living. It is a stolen glance, a smile on a dog, an arm around your shoulders without you having to ask when you need it most...these are the little things that make up my daily life. While it may seem boring, or trivial to the outside observer, they are what makes my existence worthwhile. I have a home, a man that loves me, a family...and to me, that is really something. It is my life, less ordinary, fully divine and one that I am eternally thankful to have :)

Nocturnal Drifter

So, here I sit amid the darkness, alone still even in an occupied house. The sounds of slumber resonates from the bedroom where my partner dreams. I took peace for a short while, laying next to him, listening the rythmic sound of his breathing..still not enough to lull me to sleep.
There is an uncomfortable distance between us again, perhaps it is just me. He is in another phase of "coping" or decompressing as he calls it. After a brief response, the walls have gone back up. So again, I'm wondering if it is just me placing boundaries where there are none. I'm not sure, but it is different.

I am so tired lately and not much fun. I wonder if he is bored with me? He does not want much physical contact, not even cuddling, like he did before. Granted it's been about 2 weeks since I've been able to lay down with him, perhaps that is the wall that is between us. It feels like it did back in Whidbey, when a forced month of seperation built a wall that was too strong to knock down and I was left in the dust.

I don't know what to do. Feel like I should leave, make him miss me, make me miss him. Its too soon to be "comfortable" to the point of boredom, isn't it? If it is that, then it is what I suspected from the beginning. Blow into my life for a short spell, then back out again. Though the things that he has done to assure me that isn't the case are pretty profound, but everything is subject to interpretation and change. Whatever that may be.

After 3 days of not hurting terribly bad, my leg is numb again... I attribute that to sleeping for 16 hours. Yet, here I am, writing this instead of focusing on my homework that has been neglected due to my exhaustion and need for rest.

I get the feeling of disapproval when I take time off of work. Kind of like, you just pulled a 16 which is effectively 8 more hours of overtime on your check, but you call out (which renders another 8 hours of pay for half the amount)...what was the point in killing yourself for the overtime??
I did not do it for the money, I did it because my team needed me. Sometimes you have to take one for the team without any reward. The only benefit to this particular exchange of hours, is me being able to take an extra day for myself without losing money for it. I actually gain 8 hrs of pay and an extra day off, so it's a decent trade off. Atleast in my eyes. I don't think it is viewed that way in others, not that I care. They don't have to live my life, I do. And damnit, I'm tired.

So here I shall sit and ponder as the night drags on. Perhaps I will join him again for a short spell before he has to go to work.

Au revoir

Re-evaluating

Do you ever feel like you need to re-evaluate your position, your life? You are heading in one direction, then something changes and you have to shift your perspective. It's not a bad thing, just an adjustment. It's funny how life experiences change how you relate to those around you. Lessons learned in a previous life keep me at arms length in this one; safe, solid and reliant upon no one but myself. Granted, I live, love and learn with passion, but I hang on to myself, not allowing any piece of me to get totally caught up and swept away.
I'm not the only one that does this, I've noticed. It is a rather rampant trait the older we get, the more experiences we have. Our relationships are deeper, founded upon more substantial characteristics than those of our youth. They are not so trivial, there is less drama, less roller-coaster. These are lives of our own making and we are content within them.
So, I find myself pulling back in, not away. No, definitely not away, just back inside myself. There is a roller-coaster, an uncertainty in the future..which is to be expected in your position, I am acutely aware  of that. I will support and stand beside you in everything that you do; my resolve, my loyalty, my love will not falter. But I withdraw into myself, planning and holding on to me...not centering my life around you. This is what defines us both, our independence. And it is ultimately what ties us together, what bonds us, what makes us vulnerable to one another. It is the very essence of our love and our life.

I wouldn't trade one single moment.

Ever feel like the potato in a fruit salad????

WTF?? Seriously, wtf? Though I can totally relate to being the one on the outside or the "white elephant" in the room as it is more often referred to. That aside, on to today's topic...Neurosis.

Being one that suffers from being completely Type-A, anal, and overly analytical, neurosis is a part of my mental makeup. I find myself on uneven ground lately and I can not decide if it is intuition, muscle memory or something completely off the wall. Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself within someone else? Does that make any sense at all?

I feel lost, like I need to flee, to find my footing...why is that? Why am I so unnerved? Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Am I waiting for the boredom to set in? Waiting for an absolution? Is it me? Is it you? Is it nothing but my over active brain creating drama where there is none?  My instincts are usually not wrong, but then again, my neurosis vs. my instinct is a whole nother story all together.

Do I need to quit thinking? Do I need to step out and gain perspective? Is there perspective to be had? Is there another view that will clarify things for me?

Breathe. Slow down and breathe. Take two steps back and regain your footing. Stand on solid ground and be yourself, everything else will fall into place. Between the pain you are in, the over-loaded schedule, the lack of physical activity (among other things) and missing that final connection; you are over-reacting. Concentrate on you and what you need to do. Be who you are and it will be ok; Good, Bad, or Indifferent, you will survive as you always do.

Judgement

Who are you? Really, who are you? Who are you to stand in judgement of anyone? Ye who hath done no wrong... Oh, wait, that isn't you. You have lived a life full of wrong and rebounded from it, becoming a better person. Yet, you stand in judgement of someone you have never met for their vices?!! Who are you?!!

It is amazing to see the true character of a person slip out when things go awry. You apologize for the cruelty and harshness that has spewed, unchecked from your miserable lips, yet the truth that you believe and feel is in those very words. You may cover and back track, but the truth of the matter is in the impulse. You meant what you said, every single word.

You have spouted off in anger and held others in contempt when they do the same. To do that to one you claim is your closest and dearest friend, in regards to someone they love...seriously, where the hell do you get off?
Do you know the road they have travelled? Have you experienced their loss? Their pain? How dare you stand in judgement!

It is a smack in the face when you realize someone that you considered one of your closest friends, your brother, is not who you believed they were. In one single, solitary moment, you have changed the way you are viewed.

Those words, that action are not forgiven.

Demons

Demons can surface at any time. No matter how many you think you've faced, defeated, overcome, there is still that straggler that hides in the shadows, pouncing on you at the most inopportune times. One such demon has unleashed it's poison upon my psyche, yielding a deafening blow and bringing me to tears, core and confidence shaken.

How does one, that has been blessed with a body to die for most of her life, go from being coveted, to undesired? A body that brought nothing but pain and suffering, has now been replaced with a softer, rounder version. The curves are still there, just not as well defined, having been hidden by a few layers of padding. She still gets the looks every now and then, mostly for her breasts or her "come hither eyes" or pouty, full lips...but not much more than that.
She has been beat down, degraded, embarrassed by those closest to her. Yet her own image, her own criticism is much worse than any of theirs could ever be. How can you expect someone else to love or desire, what you loathe yourself? And the worst part being, she has tried and tried and tried to get back to the physical beauty that she used to be and she can't even come close to obtaining it. There is always an injury, always a set back. She is now physically unable to push herself to the strength phase. Why are you doing this, she asks God over and over? Is this how you see me? Is this how you wish me to be? I have finally found the love you intended for me, the one I have desired..who loves me for who I am, heart and soul to the core. But don't you want me to be loved for all that I am? He tells her she is beautiful, even being bigger. He has always known she was bigger and still he wanted her. But he also tells her that her weight is a minuscule part of why the physical part of their relationship is not there.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? PLEASE SHOW ME, HELP ME THROUGH THIS.... BECAUSE I AM STRUGGLING GOD, I AM AT THE BASE OF SELF LOATHING, UNABLE TO SEE THE WONDERFUL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE THAT YOU HAVE PLACED IN FRONT OF ME, SIMPLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN BY ALL OF IT BEFORE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE LOVED WITHOUT BEING DESIRED, WITHOUT POSSESSION, WITHOUT TOTAL CONSUMPTION....PLEASE HELP ME.

Irony

The sex addict falls in love with a partner that can not be physically intimate - that is the ultimate definition of irony. It is amazing how love and faith can change a person. To find something that they have searched for their entire life in the most unlikely of places, that puts their biggest vice under the spotlight and helps them grow, it truly is an amazing thing to see HIS works in action.

Weakness

Do you ever find yourself torn between who you desire to be and who you actually are? There is a battle raging between these two within me and I feel consumed with the war. The desire for strength is there, the will is there...the ability is not. The body is still locked in a healing phase that my mind will not aquiese to. I see a weak, tired, unattractive person in the mirror. I don't like it, I want to change it, but I am being fought at every turn...

How do I cope with this? How do I not let my body fade into disrepair while it heals from the damage it has incurred? Better yet, how do I make my mind accept that it has to heal?

The battle rages.. I need help...

Commitment

Commitment is a funny thing. It can exist without being demanded. It gives a level of permanence, of solidity and most generally, can scare the living crap out of most adult males. All be it I am not of the male persuasion, I can lump myself into that category. Things have been going swimmingly, our time together is relaxed and fulfilling, we are committed to one another on a "gray" level...not that we would admit it to the rest of the world. Affections are given freely, intimate sentiments are given privately and not uttered to the rest of the world; a future, a warmth is building, but where does it lead? Is this where my over analytical self kicks into overdrive and threatens to un-do this comfortable existence?
We are both planning futures that do not "include" each other, but they don't  exclude each other either. We are "building a life" as you put it. And I'm good with that.
Until that idea of permanence creeps in. You built me furniture and gave me an office. I didn't realize we were there yet. I about hyperventilated when you did that. I am the queen of commitaphobes. As I said, I like being with you because you're more screwed up than I am and it makes me look normal! Ha!! Thank you for bringing me back down to earth and showing me that we aren't there yet. You made my heart beat normally and breathing resumed. Furniture and office are practical applications that allow me to be near you and still do my job, given my schedule. Any other thought of permanence is too much right now. There is a small basket of things in the bathroom, but that is much like the office..it is practical. There is no space in the closet or the dresser for my things. That is too much to give, take, whatever; it is too much. Thank you for that. I felt myself shutting down and looking for the nearest exit to run to. I am going home soon and I don't know when I'll be back. I need to breathe, to connect with me and disconnect from you, where I am safe and in control. When the ache of being away from you gets to be too much to bear, I will be back. I don't like being away from you, but I need to regain my perspective.

J'taime Mon Cheri...

Faults and All

In what reality do you want me? Perhaps in this one, though I cannot fathom why. You blew back into my life, without warning, without cause and I find myself relenting to you, knowing too well the hurt that will ensue when you decide to blow back out.

Though things are decidedly different this time, very different indeed. You are still the same hard, crass individual that I knew so long ago, but there is tenderness about you that was not there before. You still boast of being the hardass that doesn’t care, your actions speak different. You kissed me like you never had before, you touched me as you never had before…you held me when I was falling apart and there was true tenderness in every moment.

Being with you is simple, it is easy. I know what to expect…at least I thought I did. I like to convince myself that I did. You will not give yourself exclusively to me, though you are pleased that I apparently have done so for you. It is a double standard and a double edged sword. I am a glutton for punishment as we have both said.

Though you are not the only one who is different this time. I still cherish you, I believe I always will, whether we are together or not. You have always been honest with me and I respect you for that. You are a broken old war horse that loves to tell his stories and relive his glory days knowing that his stories will neither shock nor drive me away. You are tender, underneath it all. I see it, I feel it…

Perhaps this is what draws me to you, what has always drawn me to you. But for my own sake I shall keep my heart locked away this time. You are the leader in this dance and I follow as gracefully as my two left feet will allow.

I am thankful for the perspective I have now, where I did not have it before. I enjoy your company, your conversation, your intimacy… I do not give you all of myself, not this time. I do not talk to you like I did before. I do not trust you. I do not trust you with me. It has been a long hard road to learn to follow my instincts and they scream loudly at me “I DO NOT TRUST YOU”…

I will not allow you to do to me what you did last time. I am ready for it, I actually expect it. I will ride the ride as long as it is good and we shall part again, but never for good. We are connected and we touch each other’s lives implicitly.  “I DO NOT TRUST YOU”

I do care for you, deeply and profoundly. I see that in your eyes and I felt it in your being the first night we were together again.

I am ready to be away from you for a while. I need to disconnect and reconnect with myself, my life. I long to feel the pavement under my feet and the burn in my muscles as I run. I long to see the smile on Rebel’s face as he runs beside me. He loves you too you know, but he remembers last time. Just as I do.

You are what I desire though and what I have asked for. Someone that accepts me for who I am and doesn’t ask me to change. Someone who respects my strength and my intelligence, who is not threatened by it. Someone who allows me to be vulnerable and will hold my hand when I need it. Someone who can satisfy me physically, in all aspects, but finally understands that this highly sexual individual is not all about sex. Someone that I can have long conversations with, or sit in complete silence with and be totally comfortable. Someone that is independent and has a life of their own, respects that I have the same and still wants a life “together” in that mix.

Yes, you are what I want, every wounded, scared, fucked up, neurotic piece of you. Faults and all baby, faults and all. I am no longer the hopeless romantic or the jaded cynic. I am a realist and practical. We are all broken, we all have baggage, but it is those experiences that make us the people we are.

You are a good man, jagged around the edges perhaps, but a good man. When you decide that I am no longer enough or the thought of being with just me gets to be too much, I will feel the sting of the pain when you go elsewhere. But I will be thankful for the time we have had and the moments we have shared.

Fear

Do I dare voice the fears that plague me? Do I give them life? Or does merely thinking them give them power?
I appear calm and confident on the outside, but on the inside a ceaseless battle rages on. My paranoia and insecurity threaten to suffocate me and turn my stomach. They creep in on my rational mind, taking over and laying their tumultous foundation, rocking my happy mind into a fearful frenzy.
There is no happy ending here. There can't be, can there? I mean, look what happened last time...Don't I know better, once bitten twice shy as they say...
Or is it fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But there was no fooling the first time. I don't believe there is fooling this time. But there is no happy ending (whatever that may be, I don't have the slightest clue).
But for now, there is contentment. There is companionship. There is respect and caring...
The missing parts, the parts that drive my mind into this fearful frenzy, are the ones that have ruled every relationship I've ever had. I am on foreign ground and do not know how to react. This is not a physical relationship and my entire existence has been physical. It's messing with my psyche and my esteem. But it is exactly where I need to be and where I have been working so hard to get to. I suppose this is the last hurdle for me to overcome, actually putting into practice what I have tried so hard to become.
I find I lack the strength to put that physical side to rest, because I am an intimate, passionate person. I enjoy physical contact...
This is where I tell myself to get over myself. He pursued me, he came back into my life, he desires me. So why is that not a part of our relationship...
He has explained it to me and I understand...but that old piece of me, the one that has been defined by physicality, is barking at the door threatening to unhinge me.

HOLD YOUR TONGUE YOU OLD DOG< THIS IS NOT YOUR PLACE ANYMORE>MY LIFE IS NOT DEFINED NOR CONTROLLED BY YOU< I AM FREE AND I WILL MAKE MY WAY WITHOUT BEING A SLAVE TO YOU...

Moments

This life is full of moments. Some memorible, some forgettable..our lives are defined by these moments. It is often said, life is not about the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breaths away. I have had a life filled with moments, some quite insignificant, some breathtaking..to the point of suffocation. Todays reiterated all to clearly how true that statement is. I attended a funeral for the husband of a cousin who has become very dear to me in the last 3 years. She is part of a link to a life that has passed, one that was and is more dear to me than any other I've known. At 33 years of age, she is recently widowed, left to fend for herself and the 2 children they adopted together. He was her best friend, her soul mate, her lover of 13 years. She is completely lost without him.
Though I have not suffered her exact loss, I know her pain. I know what it feels like to have your chest ache mearly from the pain of taking one breath for simple existence. I know what it is like to wonder, lost, not knowing what your next move is. Tom Hanks said it best in Sleepless in Seatlle when speaking to Dr. Marsha Fieldstone on the call in radio show that his son called in on..she asked him point blank, "So tell me Sam, what are you going to do." His reply was, "Dr. Marsha, can I call you Dr. Marsha...I'm going to remind myself to get out of bed every day, and I'm going to remind myself to breathe in and out until I don't have to remind myself to get out of bed and to breathe in and out and try to forget how I had it great and perfect for awhile"
Loss is painful. I have laid to rest too many to count, too many to remember. Death is the great equalizer. It does not discriminate, young, old...sick, healthy, it does not matter. When it is your time, it is your time and you will go. It will destroy those that you leave behind. How you touched the lives around you will be put in the spotlight. Today, the man that was laid to rest was one that I did not know. But I hold dear the person that he left behind and it ripped my heart out to see her hurt so terribly much. I've been there, far too often in my life, felt the loss, the pang of death..and it cuts deep into my heart every time.
Yes, death is the great equalizer... and I am it's scale, feeling to the core every ounce of loss...

this is how he created me..this is how I shall always be.

My life is forever filled with moments and I am defined by those that touch me.

Pain

Suffered in silence or worn on a sleeve for the whole world to see, pain affects each of us in a different way and we each seek our own relief through whatever means possible. For some, it is through words; for others it is through prayer, through chemical dependency, through alcohol, through physical means...whatever numbs or distracts the mind for even a moment, is a welcome moment. Fear of being judged for the means by which we find relief, only adds to the suffering that we endure..for this I offer a thought; It is not for others to judge, it is for you, the bearer of the cross, to release yourself from your private hell. As an individual who suffers daily...I offer this perspective...

Existence in the Midst of Pain

What do you say to a friend you have hurt?

Or to a loved one that goes unloved?

How do you explain your pain?

It does not go unnoticed,

the pain that grows within...

people all around you, in some

way, feel the pain that you

are in.

Your words are cruel and harsh,

they cut too deep, when will this

pain go on and allow you to weep?

Your suffering wells up deep within,

your soul bears the marks of all you

feel and don't mean. Do they really understand

that you love them, even if you only

show them anger?

How does one move past the hurt

that has grown inside, each day

it grows stronger, when is it time?

When is it time for the hurt to die

and the soul to live?

A soul only yearns to be happy

without physical ailments to destroy

all the love that it has had and lost.

Memories are now painful. Even the ones

that are made happily. Am I dying?

I do not know. If I am I do not wish

to suffer and cause the ones around me

to suffer also. Even the ones I do not

know or like, they do not deserve my

anger or my hurt.

Life goes on and so will I,

I only wish I could decide,

whether to laugh or cry.

Because any way you decipher this,

this is no way for a soul to

live, nor for a soul to die.

Addiction

You are my kind of herione and you know it. Tempting me and teasing me with your very presence, you give me just a taste and then back away out of reach. Most seek balance in life, but when it comes to passion and love, it is okay to lose balance, because that is the essence of life.
The lack of balance scares me where it never used to. The heart has one too many scars, has been broken one too many times...still, that buzz, that electricity draws me in like a moth to a flame and I find it hard to look away...
Will you envelope me and allow me to lose myself blissfully in your existence? Or will you turn me to stone like a single look into Medussa's eyes?

F#*@KING PERFECT!!!

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect" (Pink, Perfect)  "You could never be a more beautiful you" (Johnny Diaz, A More Beautiful You)
These words speak countless truths to the beauty of women, seen by the world but not by themselves. By whatever means that they do not see the beauty that they possess, songs like these try to shed some much needed light into their shadowy darkness.

For much of my existence, I held a confidence unyielding against change or ridicule. I was beautiful to me, no matter the murmur of the unfriendly, or jealous..I had the backing of my father and grandfather that reinforced that I was what I thought I was. Then the ultimate reinforcement came in the most absurd and devilish package, convincing me that I was like honey to men..desirable, beautiful, wanted. That is all any woman really wants, is it not? Years of possession, degradation, and being tossed aside caught up with the psyche and I am now the woman in these songs, that must be constantly reminded that I am worthy, that I am beautiful.

I constantly question anyone that claims that they want me and if they do want me, I figure it is for one thing only (as my experience with men has been that they all want to possess me). They like my fight, my fire, my flare for life; but as a moth to a flame, they can not take it for more than a short while before they are gone. I am a strong, confident, highly intelligent, bold and brazen, beautiful woman...so why do I not see that when I look at myself? Why do I cast my eyes down when looked upon, when I used to challenge back my admirers? Why do I turn to a mushy little school girl scared of her own reflection when a gentleman professes his desire to be my partner? I immediately question myself, his motives and everything about life; turning into someone I do not know, nor does the gentleman and alas, he is gone...

Why can't I see that I'm F#*@KING PERFECT the way I am?

Looking in the Mirror

Often times, I find myself avoiding the mirror simply because I do not recognize the face staring back at me half the time. My recent travels brought so many things to light in my existence, it has taken me a bit to process it all. One of the topics of discussion was when you look in the mirror, who do you see? And the answer was so honest, so heart-wrenchingly distraught, so resonating..."I dress the part, but at the end of the day, all I see is a question..why would anyone want me?.." And another even deeper answer.."I don't have mirrors, because I can't bear to see me."
What is it about that little piece of glass that keeps us at bay? It doesn't lie, it lays everything we hide from the rest of the world bare. Every scar, bad thought, happy thought, everything is there for us to see. I have often thought that I live with my choices and I'm okay with them, because I can look at myself in the mirror. Funny, I don't hide from the mirror because of my choices. I hide because of the memories, the scars, the irrepairable damage that distorts the image like a fun-house mirror.
Even now, after realizing that even with the hell that I lived through, my reality was a cake walk compared to some others. We all need perspective sometimes, but it astounds me how similiar our outlooks are. The degrees of severity of the pain we experienced are on a grand scale, but when it comes right down to it, the way we view the world is essentially the same.
A recent horoscope of mine told me to "shut up and write the book", so I guess it's time to finish what I started and give some voice to that silent pain felt by so many....

I am still pursuing becoming G.I. Jane, though the G.I. has taken on completely new meaning lately. I am not Government Issued, I am God Inspired...as are many strong, beautiful women in my life who share my scars..
As the phoenix rises from the ashes, so to shall we.

Role Models

I spoke recently with my mother regarding my project of "Becoming G.I. Jane" in complete contrast of "Becoming Jane", though I guess they do hold similiar concepts of becoming something other than one's present state of being. I spoke to her of the qualities of the woman that I desire to become like and the response I received was "you know why she is that way...because it was written in the script". She found it amusing that I desired to become like a movie star. I giggled at her perception, because it has absolutely no bearing on anything.

G. I. Jane - the epitome of everything I have held dear since I was a small child. The military has been my main stay since I was little. I have held it on a pedastal, the absolute highest regard, even though my own career with the armed forces was cut short. I used to look stary eyed at my Dad's dress uniforms, Drill Instructor hat, cadence tapes, etc. I loved going with him to training and even requested of him to treat me like one of his soldiers. I kept my bunk in tip top shape and trained with him when he would let me. I recall during Desert Storm, while in Utah with my family (My Dad was in Ft. Benning, GA training troops), standing at attention and saluting the convoy of military vehicles passing me. I have always revered the military and wanted nothing more than to be a solider my whole life.
The first chance I got to enlist, I did so, even requiring consent of both my parents to do so before my 17th birthday. I kept my gear in check. Fell into stride in boot camp, rising to squad leader quickly and loving every single minute of it. My body on the other hand did not rise to the challenge.
I connected myself with the military through means of other people after that. I have always had friends and lovers in the military. It is home to me. Even now, being single, I seek out a soldier for a mate. There is something so seductive about the uniform, the attitude and candor behind it; the class, the moral fortitude, the heart of the individual that wears it. That is who I am on the inside and it is who I long to be near.
I have always envisioned myself as G.I. Jane (as opposed to G.I. Joe, whom I played religiously with as a child). I am not government issued. I am a grand individual. Strong, independant, trustworthy...everything that is important to me is embodied in the woman that this portrays. My insides, my character is strong. I wish my body to be the same. I do not care if I am an adonis or gorgeous, I simple want to be strong. I want my insides to match my outsides. Strong.

So...back to my original question. How does one become G.I. Jane? I think my path is becoming clearer and clearer. Lord, lead me where I shall fulfill my purpose for which I was created. I follow my heart and your will. Hoo Rah!

Blogging, blogging, blogging..keep them doggies bloggin, Rawhide!!!

The absence of writing has been a direct result of feeling better. Odd how that works, isn't it. Not that my thoughts have ceased, they just take on a much lighter tone and instead of writing them down..I am constantly analyzing my every move. I am anal, literally anal, about everything. The no bullshit, no frills girl that can't let anything go because she is so busy analzying everything. I carry it all in my shoulders and am always tense...

Like the most recent thought, that is subsequently a recurring thought...How does one become G.I.Jane? I have admired that woman since I first saw the movie. She is the epitome of what I have always thought I was. One big difference, she never quit. I have. That song, "I hear voices", has a line in it that says "Son you quit that team, you'll be a quitter for the rest of your life"..Man alive isn't that the truth.
I quit my first team when I was 13 years old. I literally walked out on my volleyball team because of the drama and the bs. I was never a popular girl and with the events that surrounded me, I was the brunt of cruelty. So, rather than be attacked, I walked out. I have walked out on so many things since then. I got bored in high school, though I did finish. I had my future planned out...and I walked out on it. Why do I always walk away? This is the lessons I've learned in my life and I've repeated them over and over.
But I did not quit on Justin, I did not quit on myself, I did not quit on my children. Maybe there is some hope for me yet.
Anyway, I digress. How does one become G.I. Jane? This is my new project, myself in the physical sense. Along with progressing with my financial stability (business is where I rock). How do I do it>? How do I become that which I have idealized for years, and in my minds eye, I am her...but in the mirror, I am not. How do I? How do I? How do I?....

Stay tuned....

Perhaps the answers will reveal themselves.

Validation

We all spout off from time to time that we do not care what other people think, that is why we get tattooed, pierced, wear our hair in freakish styles, etc. But the reality is, is that we are all seeking some sort of validation from somewhere. The more outlandish your appearance, the more it states that I am hard, I dare you to approach me, better yet, I dare you not to judge me. The more understated, the more it states that I am scared and am hiding, please don't notice me..then again, please do.
I've thought recently about the things that have shaped my past and more aptly, my present. Being told I would never be "officer wife material", that I am too bold to be noticed or liked by the boys, that my husband would like to know he wasn't kissing a man from time to time.
I have spent a majority of my life "not caring" what other people think of me and for the most part that is true. I have scars and secrets that you will never know or understand unless you take the time to get to know me. I don't care what you think, I am the way I am because of the life I have lived.
But at the end of the day, even I seek validation from someone. I crave that praise that tells me I am good at my job. That longing smile that tells me I am desired. That falling tear that tells me I'm missed. And most of all, that lingering hug that says I love you and don't want you to leave.
Yes, we all seek validation, no matter what pretense we portray to convince ourselves otherwise.

Laughable Irony

I find people's reaction to the thought or impending pretense of suicide amusing. They either lose their minds or completely avoid it altogether, like either reaction will have a favorable outcome. The reality of life is this, people do get sad. Some just deal with it better than others. There are times that the battle to hold on is a tremendous one, there is no doubt about that. For today, the battle for good is won, I am still drawing breath and smiling. The sun is shining and the wolf has left his perch at my doorstep. When will his winds blow again? It's hard to tell. Each battle is unique.

Dear God...

"Dear God, It's Me, Margaret" I vaguely remember reading that book as a child, now I find myself composing something quite similar. I have no one to talk to... Well that isn't completely true, I talk to people all night long, it's my job to do so. That's just the mundaneness of that ugly four letter word that pays the bills. It certainly does not bring me joy, nor even a challenge like it used to. It is only a thorn in my side that must be endured for the greater good. C'est la vie.

So this gets me back to my point. I have no one to talk to. No one that understands and that won't fly off the handle at my particular topic of interest.."I'm having a real hard time with this whole living thing"
It has become much like my job, a thorn in my side that must be endured. The alternate is looking more and more appealing daily..who am I kidding, it's looking more appealing hourly. I find myself trying to put my affairs in order, but I'm not quite to that point yet. Not ready to face that eternal darkness, no, not quite yet.

Would anybody notice? I mean really notice? Or am I just dust in the wind? We all are, if you really sit and think about it. Of all those I have laid to rest and said goodbye to, the world did not stop turning because they were gone, the winds just shifted slightly allowing for their passing. Though I have to say, the last loss tilted my existence axis beyond recovery me thinks. Hell, he wouldn't even recognize me now, I don't hardly recognize myself. There is no knowing when I look in the mirror...only hollow eyes, deep, dark and languid pools of suffering and sadness. I hardly cry at the sadness anymore, perhaps I have shed my quota of tears and there are none left in reserve. The ache is still there though. I can feel it deep inside my chest. Like when I lost JD, time and time again..even now, that ache is there. Or when I gave my daughter up or lost my other one...that deep seated ache that has no boundaries but can grab ahold of your ability to function.

Why!! Why!! Why!! Why do these things have a hold on me? Why do you allow it? I know I know, that is a rhetorical and down right silly question to ask. You gave me free will, though you may guide me, my destiny is still my own. No matter how many issues I work through, or ghosts that I think I have laid to rest, it still creeps up. Perhaps I am like the dog that has been beat one too many times, cowering in the corner at the raise of a hand, muscle memory..I can't forget, can't let go of it.. It is too deep, too embedded in me, it is a part of me. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just blah. Void of emotion and too tired to care anymore. Eternal sleep, rest with no memories to haunt me and steal my joy.  Wishful thinking I'm guessing. Murphy's Law, this crap will follow me to the grave and beyond. Tis the hand you dealt me, I'm doing my best but I'll be honest, the chips are down and I'm ready to fold.


Sinking slowly....

Lost, Dazed and Confused

I've never felt much like I belonged anywhere, never quite fitting in...always on the outside looking in. It never mattered much, my presence was always felt and remembered. Though I was still alone at the end of the day. I made the somewhat sickening revealtion that every "great" love I have had, is now either married or shacked up with someone else in bliss and I am nothing more than a hot memory, glowing in the night like a neon sign reminding the bearer of what once was and where danger lies.
I am alone. By choice and eternally, alone.

Why??